INSIDE

Preparing To Be Ready

2012-01-28T19:31:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of this month, and year, I stated that I finally feel like I am in a position in my life where I can handle a real relationship. I stated some reasons for this; being more open about being gay, and being more honest with my family. I have also come to realize that being ready for a relationship isn't enough. I need to prepare.

I watched an episode of MTV's Real World: San Diego, (deep—I know), but I learned a lot about what may have been one of my problems mentally. In the episode below, Frank, who has never had a relationship before, falls hard for Michael, and in doing so assumes all will work out. He then cheats and proceeds to say, "Im not ready to settle down" or "I'm going to make mistakes." He basically excuses his actions of cheating for not being ready.

I reject his rational.

(The Full Episode - The important part 34:00 - 36:40)

One isn't just made ready for a relationship, one needs to prepare for a relationship. In this sense Frank says that he can't help his wanting to sleep around, because its just who he is right now. He rejects the fact that by continuing his behavior he will eventually, at some time, change. His roommates in "confessional" obvious point out he is very mistaken for that view. If he would work on having real relationships with men, instead of one night stands (a term as acknowledged by him), then he would become ready for a relationship.

In this same sense there are things I need to do to prepare for a relationship. One of which is to stop making out with guys because I feel the urge (No, not sex, making out). Until I learn to control my desires, I can fall into the same mindset of Frank, and think things will work out eventually with no effort on my part.

I need to learn to sacrifice what I want for someone else's needs. I enjoy my me time way to much. I would rather go home after school, and watch a movie by myself. Last week when a friend text me and invited me over to dinner at her house within the hour, I decided to abandon my time in favor of socializing. That may seem like a stupid thing, but for me it is huge to sacrifice.

There are other things I need to work on, and I am in process of initiating change in my life, because I want to be ready for a relationship whenever that special time happens.

I Am Ready

2012-01-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am finally ready to have a relationship. I have cleared some hurdles of which I viewed as important in my life.

I am "out" on Facebook. Anyone (except for some of my annoying cousins) can go and see in my "about" section that I'm "interested" in men. Before that point I had only come out to certain people that I deemed worthy of knowing. Now anyone who is my friend, can see it for themselves.

My family knows I am not going to church. For the longest time, only my sister, who is in the same boat as myself, knew I had stopped attending. Then a few months ago, I told my brother, when it fit nicely into our conversation about the church. Recently, my sister asked outright, because that is just what she does. My father asked when he took me home before church service. I wanted to go home only because I had not brought church clothes, because I wasn't expecting to stay as long as I did at my brothers house. The situation though was ripe for his asking, and I was honest, which I had not been to that point about my church attendance.

I was talking, a few days back, on the phone with my grandmother, who herself is not a member, and she asked what my plans were for Sunday. I told her exactly what I was doing (minus the date I had with a guy). She also asked if I was not going to church anymore. I told her the truth, and she asked why I was not going. I beat around the bush with my explanation. I told her "there are some things in my life I am figuring out on my own. I still believe in almost everything the church teaches, but there is just a few things I'm doing on my own." She understood, though she doesn't know I am gay. At least I havent told her. That conversation, however, has prompted me to consider telling her.

These two hurdles, being more out, and being honest about my church attendance with my family, were important for me. But also important for my family. Instead of a sudden quick "fall" where they would attempt to catch me, I have taken a slow and steady retreat. Not on purpose, but just stemming from natural events taking place and my own evolution of though. I think that is it helping not only them but helping me to be prepared for the next step — a serious boyfriend.

Oh and the fact that Ive met a really great, handsome guy, doesn't hurt either :)

Beginning of the Middle

2012-01-03T00:05:00.000-08:00

I originally wrote this in my personal blog, but realized it got way to heavy, and way to deep to post there.

Freakin' heck! I'm going to be a quarter of a century old this year! In many ways I still feel like a young child, unsure of myself, still wanting mom and dad to guide me in life and not ready to make decisions for myself. I do have rare moments of self awareness that I'm making grown up decisions and need to start thinking and acting like an adult. Not in the sense that I am immature, because I am very much not, but I need to be thinking of long term repercussions of decisions.

I haven been in school studying graphic design for two full years, and then one day in class it hit me, "this isn't what I am suppose to be doing." By the end of the following week I had changed my declared major to political science (most who know me wondered why I had not done it sooner), spoke with 5 different advisors and planned out what school I needed for my masters in teaching program.

It is decisions like this that I am good with. A future with deadlines and benchmarks are easy to plan for. With school, I have graduation dates, class requirements, and a job with a very specific function.

There is other kinds decisions, decisions with no defined end. Things that are out of my control. Decisions that have no bench marks. These are what often make me feel overwhelmed. These generally have a substantial presence in my personal life. These kinds of decisions are the ones I still want to call and consulte with my mom and dad. Seek their advice and do what they tell me to do. I am not saying that is necessarily a bad thing. But it can be unhealthy when I do what they want, when I feel very opposed. When I try to please them absolute, it is unhealthy.

In some respects I have begun to make my own "life" decisions. I have not gone to church on my own for over a year now. I had largely kept this fact hidden from my parents. But over time it slipped out to my siblings, and then this past Sunday my Dad asked me about it. I told him the truth. He didn't make a big deal about it, and that was that.

I need to make more of these type of decisions on my own, and doing them because it is what I feel I should do, instead of doing something based on how I think my family will judge me.

Cognitive Dissonance Theory - II

2012-01-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

Here is part two of the Cognitive Dissonance Theory. It realtes so much to my life that I really wanted to share it with you.

Dissonance is motivating, in that people don’t like it, and need to change something to eliminate it. This can involve attitude and behavior change. You redouble your efforts to recycle, you search out for information that supports the choice you made or your previous actions, or simply decide what you believe or do is right and justified, no matter what others say, or you decide that other needs are more important than the dissonance you feel.

There are various psychological and communication techniques we use to resolve dissonance:

Change the attitude. I actually sort of like the rain.

Add consonant cognitions. Look at the good side.

I could stay in and study all day without being tempted to get out.

Derogate (think negatively about) the other choice.

I probably would have hurt myself on the ski slopes anyway.

Make the choices seem further apart in your own mind. Wow, watching the storms on the coast is awesome; all that cold, snow and ice are overrated anyway.
Trivialize the cognitions. It’s just a weekend, and after all I’m not at home working.
Suppress thoughts about it. No point crying over spilt milk.
Communicate. Talk to others about how much fun you are having.
Alter your behavior or attitude. Decide to leave and never do that again.

We sometimes stick with clearly dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors simply because of sunk costs: we have invested so much in them that getting out of the situation would cost more than it’s worth, perhaps.

When challenged, we often become defensive, and feel our self esteem and “face” are at risk, so we become even more attached to our decisions.

People who undergo severe hazing to join a group then justify to themselves that the group was worth joining. Hazing is often used as a form of “team” building.

We have a hard time accepting that we have wasted our time, money and effort on things that aren’t worth it, or that we have made a bad decision.

But note this: buying the “wrong” brand of paper towel is likely not to create dissonance. Voting for the “wrong” candidate or buying the “wrong” house likely will.

What are you to do? How do you deal with dissonance after it has happened? It calls for change of some sort, certainly reflection and communication.

You might change a cognitive element, a behavior, an attitude or a belief.
New elements might be added to one or another side of the tension.
You might downgrade the importance of one or more elements.
You might search for more consonant information.
You might distort, misinterpret or misperceive information to bolster one element.

A College Class All About Me

2011-12-08T15:28:00.001-08:00

Thank heavens I have finished this term! I am so over all my art classes and am glad I don't have to do an art project again!

I took a Communication class this term focusing on persuasion. I loved it. Great professor, good content and well taught. There was one section of the class that I felt was the "Trevor" section. It was about cognitive dissidence. It was describing my life 100%. I decided I wanted to share the notes from this section, so I will post it over several coming posts, since there is a lot.

Let me know what you think.

Comm 314, Chapter 9, Cognitive Dissonance Theory

Cognitive dissonance -- Holding two or more contradictory ideas in one’s mind at the same time creates instability and imbalance that the person will strive to stabilize and bring back in balance, often through attitude change. It is defined as,

“A negative unpleasant state that occurs whenever a person holds two cognitions that are psychologically inconsistent” (Aronson, in Perloff, p. 239).

Developed by Leon Festinger and introduced in 1957, cognitive dissonance is among the most influential of social psychological theories.

Major points:

We each carry around a great mass of cognitive elements: attitudes, belief, values, intentions, perceptions, information, knowledge of our own behaviors.
These relate to each other in a system, with the elements being irrelevant to each other, consistent (consonant) with each other, or inconsistent (dissonant).
Consonance or dissonance is determined within a person’s belief system and should not be imposed from without.

Two overriding premises:

Dissonance produces tension (psychological discomfort) that creates pressure towards change.
When dissonance occurs, the person will try to reduce it and even avoid situations that are likely to create it.

Dissonance can occur in these situations (and probably others):

You hold two clearly inconsistent thoughts:

I generally like candidates who are Republicans.

But I consider myself an Independent.

You freely act in a way that is inconsistent with a strongly held belief.

I believe in protecting the environment. I did not recycle this week.

You make a decision that rules out another possibly equally good decision.

I chose to go to the mountains for my weekend getaway. The beach would have been nice too.

You expend a lot of resources – time, money, energy, emotion – on something that turns out perhaps not to have been worth it.

I can’t believe I worked so hard on that, and for so little return.

You can’t find sufficient psychological justification for what you believe or do.

Why do I worry so much about what that guy thinks, when he is such a loser?

The amount of dissonance felt will depend upon the importance of the issue and the centrality, range and integration of the belief system in which it occurs.

All notes are from J. David Kennamer, Ph.D., Portland State University.

My Story – to be continued...

2011-11-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have decided to end (temporally) the "My Story" posts. The telling of my life being gay has come uncomfortably close to the present time, and therefore, I don't wish to continue at this time. In the future, when the point where I left off has more spread of time, then I will continue.

...and then...

2011-11-26T22:45:00.001-08:00

MIA:
School
Work
Blah
Blah
Blah

Ok but I do have some exciting news!

I switched my major!!! No longer am I a graphic design major. Though I do have enough credits to collect a minors in GD.

I am now officially a Political Science major! Most of the people I told, responded with something similar to, "Well its about time. I always knew you would do politics."

Anyway, so I will graduate with a minor in graphic design, a bachelor of art in political science. Then I will transfer to another college, which I have already picked, and get my masters in teaching. All accumulating in becoming a high school teacher.

Heck yes! Im so excited and very happy about this new path for myself.

Facebook Outting

2011-10-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

I am going to speak one of the biggest cliched ideas we bloggers have. "I have not blogged in forever because I'm so busy, but I promise to blog more often." To be honest I am not going to promise I will blog more often. So stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT!

In all honesty I have been up to my neck in school and work. I really feel like I have no breaks from Monday 6am to Saturday 1pm. I am in school taking 16 credits and working half time +. Then I have homework and art projects and ASL group meetings and art group projects to meet with. Sunday this week was the first day I got to sit and just relax, but then I remembered I had piles of homework to do, because I know I won't have time between Mon-Sat.

Really — I get up at 6-7am and get home 8-9 pm, then go straight to bed cause I have to wake up early again. Anyways... Woe is me, boo hoo.

There is one thing of interest I can mention before I go to bed tonight and begin my week anew. I came out on Facebook.

Coming out has been an interesting process in retrospect. I can always point to pivotal coming out times in my life, and trace it back to a simple thought about the act. I first thought about having to come out to my father when I was still at BYU-I. I had never had that thought cross my mind before, and quickly dismissed it as a no-go. Three months later I came out to him. I had the very random and odd thought of coming out to my sister, which was such a far stretch idea I laughed at it. Five months later, I came out to my siblings. Early last spring I wondered what it would be like to come out on Facebook and have my "Interested In" read MEN. I quickly brushed the idea out of my head as a "never going to happen" thought. Then last month, I became "Interested In MEN" (officially on Facebook).

I did remove the action from being put on people news feeds, because I detest and dislike public showcases of coming out. It is, however, free for anyone to look for and find. Even my crazy relatives in Utah who are — well — from Utah is a good enough description.

So yeah — no one has said anything or asked about it, though Im sure some have seen it. I even posted an article from GOProud (a gay conservative group) on my wall. So yeah, blah blah blah Im so proud of myself (pat on the back).

Good night!

My Life From The Beginning – Part II – Teenager III

2011-09-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

A continued look back at my life in relation to being gay.

Continued from the previous "My Life" post.

The following week in school, when D came into the French class we both shared, he waved hello and sat on the opposite side of the room next to his friend. Looking back now, that wave was a wave of goodbye, not hello.

Although D and I had choir together for two periods, and the play rehearsals after school, he somehow managed to ignore me. We still shared our mutual friend S, but his interaction with me when I was around him was capped at a hi, or a question of homework. I was completely confused. What had I done?

Time passed and the ignoring from D turned into animosity. S and I grew closer and our mutual off again on again liking of each other had a brief overlap. I asked her out the night of a friends movie party. The next day I got a call from D. He asked me how in the world I could date S if I was gay. I assured him my feelings for her were genuine and I liked her (which was true). He told me he would not allow me to hurt her. He gave me an ultimatum. I either break up with S, or he would out me to her. I tried again to assure him my feelings were true. He did not recede in his stance.

I hung up the phone, waited a few minuets and called S. I told her that things just felt awkward being a couple and I think we were better as friends. She agreed and assured me everything was ok.

***FLASH FORWARD 5 YEARS***

S came to visit me after I got home from my mission. I was driving her up to the airport and we were talking about her coming out to me a few hours previous. I felt comfortable enough, that I also came out to S.

She said that she sort of knew back in high school. I asked how. S then related the story of how D came over to her house the day after I asked her out. He told her that she can't date me because I was gay. She didn't believe him. He said he would prove it. He called me on the phone and proceeded to threaten me with an outing or breaking up with S.

She had been on the other side with D on speaker phone.

I felt instantly betrayed, hurt and angry with D. She then asked how D would know I was gay, and I related the story of his coming over to my house and our kissing.

***FLASH FORWARD A FEW WEEKS***

S called me and said she had interesting news. She had called D
(who had since come out himself) and asked him if he ever kissed me, like I had told her happened. He flatly denied it and told her I was lying. She said she believed me, but my hurt and anger again resurfaced.

***CURRENT***

I have sense let go of my foolish anger toward D. However I have never gotten over the hurt. His ignoring in high school, his malicious outing of myself, and his subsequent lying of our history.

My Life From The Beginning – Part II – Teenager II

2011-09-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

A continued look back at my life in relation to being gay.
WARNING: Might contain blatant sexual references and encounters.

Continued from the previous "My Life" post.

I awoke the next morning and knew I needed to do damage control from what happened between JW and I. I began with telling the other guys in the room I have a weird fog over what happened the night before. "I was so out of it last night" I would tell them. When JW sat at the breakfast table with all of us, I mentioned it one more time. He said I seemed pretty unusual anyways so he figured I was sleepy. That was it. That is all that JW and I ever talked about what happened that night, for the time being.

That summer my dad got a new job that would move me and my family to Oregon. I was excited for something new in my life, but also sad at all the awesome opportunities I had going for me in my junior year of high school.

I had been looking around an old website geared towards gay teens like myself. XY.com. It was a early version of myspace, but for gay teens. I started looking at guys from the new area I would be living in and found a guy who was my age and going to the same school I would be attending. He didn't give me a picture and I didn't give him one, since we were both not "out".

On my first visit down to my new high school I walked past a guy with girls on either arm. I didn't know him of course but something inside of me said I did.

I went to church the sunday before school started and met all the youth my age. There was one girl in particular who I had noticed and who had noticed me during sacrament meeting. After church she came up to me and said, "Hey I have to get going, but I wanted to introduce myself. I'm S. I hear you're in choir, so I'll see you there." I managed to get out a simple hello before she darted off.

The first day of school, I got my classes aligned and went to my first class, choir. When I walked in the door immediately two people came up to me to introduce themselves. A girl and that guy I had seen previously. They asked me where I moved from, why, and what my dad's job was.

S came up to me right after choir ended and asked how my first day was going. She invited me to eat lunch with her and her friends. Luckily for me, S was quite popular and I was introduced to more people than I could remember on the first day. Including D, the same guy I saw before school and who introduced himself to me before choir. D and S were best friends, but not dating.

Later on that week I logged on to XY.com again and began chatting with the guy. We made small chit chat and he had to get going. A few weeks later we chatted again, and we both said we think we know who the other person is. Though neither of us wanted to say each others name, I asked if his name was D—it was. He asked mine, and he was right. We had finally made the connection. D said we should hang out sometime and get to know one another, and I said I would like that. We made plans to meet the first weekend in October, as my parents would be gone all day Saturday at general conference.

That Saturday rolled around and I put on my favorite shirt and put on my cologne, and awaited for D to come over. We started to watch "I Know What You Did Last Summer", but five minuets in, D turned to me and said, "Well, are we going to do anything?" We turned off the movie and we went into my room. I told him I have never really kissed a guy before. He said he would show me, and he leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

You Don't Have A Ring On It

2011-08-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

A break from my life story (cause I'm sure its not at all exciting anyways

So, I have entered into another relationship. This would be relationship number two point five (the whole point five thing can be explained later). Anyways, without going into much detail, we have been on a couple of dates, and been chatting for several weeks, but only recently made things official with a verbal agreement that we were "dating". Only, the day after this happy moment, I began to panic.

Panicing is nothing new for me, as I panic with most mundane situations. IE catching a bus that is still just <5 minuets away, being late, running behind schedule. (notice a pattern?)

I remember this sense of worry in the second relationship I was in, (the point 5 one). Ultimately, that worry is what stopped it at point five. I also saw it many times in my first relationship though with a patient boyfriend I overcame it—even though it didn't last in the end. This time it came quick and so I turned to a friend to help me sort it out.

I chatted with my friend on Facebook chat, because she is still in Alaska on summer break. I told her I am panicing about being in a relationship and the conversations follows like so:

ME: We decided to officially go out too... and now im all scared

HER: It happened fast but that's exciting and obviously there was a quick connection which is good ... he seems really cool.

ME: I know lol im just scared of commitment =/

HER: Cause you haven't ever had a super long term committed relationship?? cause you wanna date around?? why??

ME: Havent had a real relationship, just scared of giving up MY life.. I know its way to early to think that but its me i worry lol

HER: You guys are both "young" ... i'm "young" ya know what i mean? just take it day by day n see what happens. you don't have a ring on it, neither does he. if you enjoy his company, keep seeing him. if you don't feel comfortable, if you are nervous, take a step back. know that ultimately it's all up to what YOU want and what YOU need! Taking risks is good though

ME: You're so smart! Thank you

HER: Of course!
After meeting L i've realized that what makes me the most happy with him is that it doesn't take work, neither of us stress because we're chill. yes, relationships "take work" but ours isn't forced, we've both developed feelings for each other that we've never had with anyone else and that's when we realized it was all right.
Sounds like you andn he have gone out, done things, he's been to your place.. he's the same age.. it's all good!
But i know that commitment can be a scary thought

ME:It is and your right we aren't getting married, i can take things as slow as I want and need. Thank you.

My friend was so right. I tend to always jump to future conclusions. If I am dating him, I am not going to end up in a life time commitment with him. All of those thoughts and assumptions at the beginning of any relationship can be a mood killer.

I need a jolt of reality and she gave it to me. Let things take its course and right now just enjoy meeting someone new and the experiences we have together right now. Make of it what I want, and make it move as fast as I want. I havent made any time length commitment. If at anytime I need a break or such I can take it. As my friend so eloquently referenced from Beyonce, "You don't have a ring on it."

My Life From The Beginning – Part II – Teenager I

2011-08-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

A continued look back at my life in relation to being gay.
WARNING: Might contain blatant sexual references and encounters.

As I entered middle school the porn addiction entered me. This was still the era of dial up and I would often cover the computer when it was making its dial tones so it did not wake my parents down the hall. I had gotten quite good at hiding my traces in the history and listening for approaching footsteps in order to change the screen. I learned how to masturbate from an all to eager older crowd on gay chat rooms, thirsting to teach a young boy how to pleasure himself. B and my encounters had stopped and with it stopped our friendship. We were still cordial to each other when we crossed paths in school, but we never dared speak of our childhood fun to one another or others.

I began choir in middle school as a pact with my friend from 6th grade. We were going to be the next backstreet boy band. I also found my passion for drama. In choir and drama I had passing interaction with JW. He was a year younger than me. He also was in choir and drama, but our socializing didn't extend much outside those classes.

I joined the advanced jazz choir in high school as a freshman, which had never happened before. Sophomore year continued the singing and acting and freshman JW also joined jazz choir and drama. We were acquaintances but not good friends. At least not until our trip to Vancouver BC.

There was a handful of guys in the two choirs that traveled to BC. The older ones got their own room and that left 6 guys in my room. The older two took the two beds in the back room and the four of us slept out in the front section of the hotel room. I called the pull out bed first and the others called couches and the floor. JW though, asked if I wouldn't mind sharing the bed with him since he wouldn't get any sleep on the floor. I figured the pull out was big enough, so I agreed.

We thought we were so funny pretending to spooning on another and play acting gay with each other. JW and I thought it would be funny to play footsie and spoon so the others could see. It was funny and everyone had a laugh. We then decided it was time for bed. So everyone settled down and started to drift into sleep. I however noticed JW and I were still gently playing footsie.

It was almost subconscience that I had continued to do so. I didn't entend on making some sort of over move on JW. I wondered though, I didn't stop, which was odd enough, but he hadn't stopped either. So as long as he was still rubbing his feet with mine, I wouldn't stop either. This went on for a few minutes and I thought, "hmm let's see how far this can go."

I slowly inch by inch would move my foot up his leg. waiting each time I went further for him to reciprocate. He did. Each little bit further I moved my foot up his leg, he would move his foot up mine. Finally I took the risky plunge and touched his waist with my hand. He touched mine. We continued this game of back and forth chicken, eventually entering each others underwear bands, and touching each others cocks. The touching then changed to stroking. We would take turns, but during JW's turn he didn't stop. He kept going and going until I cummed. I whispered, "let me go clean up real quick".

I walked into the bathroom to clean up the pleasurable mess. Pee'd as a excuse, and crawled back into bed. I turned away from JW and snuggled up with myself. He tapped me on my shoulder and whispered, "My turn." I ignored him out of guilt for what I had just done.

My Life From The Beginning – Part I – Childhood II

2011-08-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

A continued look back at my life in relation to being gay.
WARNING: Might contain blatant sexual references and encounters.

B and I had a few close encounters in our fort on the side of the forested hill by our homes. We would be engaging in our youthful sexual fun and be caught off guard by snapping twigs or the close proximity of our brother's voices calling us home for dinner. Still the close calls never stopped us. Through out the beginning of our fun with each other we kept out secret and playing to each other.

B and I were in a shared class room when we had our first sex ad class. We were still young and so the sex ed class was a video about sexual abuse and molestation. B and I discussed that day on our walk to our fort, if what we were doing was wrong. I don't remember all of the conversation, but I do remember asking if what we were doing made us gay. I also remember B and I agreeing that we were both willing participants in our fun and therefore it wasn't abuse and we need not tell anyone.

B told me about porn, and told me to go find a website of gay porn he liked. I did, and thus began my early use of porn and the age of 9. Masturbation soon followed, after learning how to do such a thing on a gay chat site. I often would be questioned by family about porn sites on the 'history' of the computer, and my lies and cover up grew in sophistication.

Then one day B told me about K.

K was another boy on our street. He was a year younger than I and two years younger than B. Over the next few months K would join B and I in our fun. Sometimes all three of us would play together and sometimes just B and K, and other times just K and I.

We got more daring in our locations of childhood exploits. The three of us would often play in K's basement. Often times stealing a kiss or a grab in the other room while other friends were in the room next to us. The three of us would have campouts at each others house. Often sharing a tent next to the other neighborhood boys.

Then there was a short addition of J. J moved to the neighborhood around 5th grade. J and I did minimal things together, and it didn't go very far nor did it last long.

A few years later K drifted out of our fun and B and I continued, though less regularly. 6th grade rolled around for me and B entered Middle School. Also puberty had set in and out bodies went through changes. B and my time together grew so infrequent that we didn't really even talk to each other. One could say we just grew apart.

My Life From The Beginning – Part I – Childhood

2011-07-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

All to often we read and hear the stories of gay mormons who leave the church because they feel isolated, separated and disenchanted with the people, environment and/or direction of the leadership. All to often there is a long period of stress, trying to find the good, trying to tell one's self that there is a way to stay and be themselves. Usually the story ends with a leaving of the individual from the church for varied reasons. However, the separation is usually met with a sense of odd longing for the former life, a strange pre-occupation of thought about the church, or a hate fueled repudiation of the former life, and those who still cling to it. Some become shepherds to those who are in similar life situations, some return later in life to the church, and some distanced themselves so far, there is no pre-occupation of the church on their mind any more. We all have heard, experienced or read these stories. Now let me share another story.

This is my story of being me, what I have gone through, and how this has all led to my current situation. Included will be my general disgust of the gay community. My experience interwind with the church. Young adventures and school boy crushes. This is not a journey of self hate, instead this is an honest dissection and observation of my life.

Part One –

I have been gay ever since I was young. I can point to a time when I was 7 years old, a neighbor boy, who was 8, asked if I wanted to have sex. Our pre-pubescent minds didn't know the real meaning of sex, and so we engaged in innocent young activities. That was my first time doing any thing gay, or even having such thoughts towards another boy. Before I even hit puberty I was involved in sexual encounters, albeit, naive and innocent—at first.

We had a fort in the cul-de-sac of our little neighborhood. One side of the street was developed and the other was a undeveloped forest. B and I had our fort near the train tracks on the hill side. It had separate rooms outlined in the ground. We had hallways marked by worn foot paths leading up the hill to each room. There was a dense pack of trees which blocked most vision to the main foot path down below and the rail tracks above. It was ours, and we limited those who knew about it.

B and I didn't really know anything about this so called sex he had heard about from his fathers playboys. We did know enough to know that we shouldn't tell anyone else about us engaging in it. We kissed, took our shirts off, and laid against each others bare chests while kissing. We kissed a lot. We liked it.

Eventually we started to role play. We pretended we were on talk shows, revealing our sexual encounters with doctors who fondled us, and did demonstrations of such encounters. We eventually touched each others cocks, which were both in pre-puberty stage.

We would go to our fort several times a week. Every time we went there it was to have fun with each other. Several times we had close calls with being caught in the act. Often we would hear our names being called from our respective homes, noting dinner time. There were several times we heard snapped branches and vocal calls that were proximately too close for comfort...

Lets All Just Say NO

2011-07-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

I know we don't all always agree, but can we come together to rid the world of something horrid?! Low V Cut Mens T-shirts! Man cleavage is not attractive on no matter how ripped or twinkish you are. Please, I beg of you, help your friends throw out these shirts.

Preferring to be a Bachelor

2011-07-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to be single the rest of my life. Sometimes I hope I am. I'm sure at some point in all moho's coming out experience we think we could be celibate the rest of our lives and make it being faithful in the church. For most that thought doesn't last long. I know I have had those thoughts here and there over the past few years (though not recently). That is no longer a path I would choose to entertain. I do however fantasize and even hope I remain a bachelor the rest of my life.

I am a very independent person when it comes to making life decisions. I don't like working in groups on projects, because I want things my way. When I was dating GQ, I told him he wasn't allowed to do the dishes, because he would do them the wrong way (not my way) and I would end up doing them once he left anyways. I have control issues to say the least. I understand a relationship is about giving up on selfish habits and all that ooey gooey stuff, but I don't really desire that.

I love to dream about having my craftsman style home and all my furniture and my design studio, and the appliances and hardware in my kitchen. Everything that I envision is mine. Not someone else's, and not shared. I love envisioning that home of mine, and I don't feel bad or sad about being a bachelor in it. In wanting to be single, isn't to say Im shunning sex, I love sex, and I think sex with someone close to you is very important. However, the whole relationship aspect doesn't appeal to me right.

Perhaps with meeting a remarkable bloke and falling in love that will change, but honestly its not something I am hoping for. Right now I am perfectly content and excited even to have it just be me.

SURVEY

2011-07-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

Please take this survey.

"Dr. Renee Galliher, psychology professor at Utah State University, is collaborating with Dr. Bill Bradshaw (retired BYU professor who has lectured on biological origins of homosexuality) and John Dehlin (founder of Mormon Stories) in conducting a research study that is designed to explore the experiences of Latter Day Saints who experience or have experienced same-sex attraction. The questions in this survey focus on how LDS people have experienced same-sex attraction through time, their beliefs about the nature of homosexuality, any experience they may have had in attempting to understand or alter their orientation, the current state of satisfaction with their lives and their feeling about and relationship with the Church.

Right now, this team is seeking to publicize the survey and to obtain responses from as many people as possible, regardless of one's current affiliation with the Church. The survey can be found and completed here. Responses are confidential and no individual will be identifiable in any report of the results of the study unless they choose to be identified.

Please take time to complete this survey if you are or have been LDS and have experienced same sex attraction. It will take about 30 minutes to complete."

Creating A Conflict

2011-07-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

In my last post I talked about my reasons why I left the Facebook MOHO group. I appreciate all comments I get, even if I don't respond individually to them. There was one comment left on that post that really woke me up to something I had not thought about before. Thank you Grant. His comment was:

"For me, I just lost the angst that kept me caring about being a gay Mormon. I don't need the conflict between the two to define me."

I had a feeling similar to diving into a cold lake when I read that. What if I am trying to make this contradiction in my life bigger and more disabling than it is, or should be? What if all this angst is more me than anything? What if I use a victims mentality to boost up myself artificially? What if I think somehow because Im gay and Mormon, I am special, different, and I deserve more attention or sympathy from people who know me? I really hate fake victims; people who use their mostly self made life problems to get attention. Am I doing something myself, that I despise in others?

For a large part, yes I am. I am a fake victim.

Yes, being a Mormon and being gay are directly opposing in theory. Being a faithful Mormon and an active gay, is a hippocratic lifestyle and two differing ideologies. So there is a bit of the victim-ness that is warranted.

BUT...

There is truth that I am making more of the situation than is necessary. I have been trying to define myself as a gay Mormon. That is exactly what I professed not to do. I didn't want to become that person whose identity is being a gay Mormon. Now that I have realized that I have allowed myself to victimize myself, I need to step back and reassess my situation and how I view myself.

Leaving the MOHO Facebook Group

2011-06-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

I would like to think someone noticed, but that is just my vanity showing. I left the MOHO Facebook group about a month ago, and can I just say, it has been one of my better decisions. I was not personally offended by anyone, nor was I angry at anyone. It was just one reason after another in my mind that led me to hit that "leave group" button.

All the notifications were beyond annoying. I was getting the red dot in my top bar nearly every minuet. Every time I went to check what was being said, it was some personal thread, or just pure nonsense. There was also a LOT of things that I did not find interesting. A lot of negativity in regards to the church, and I don't like it. Some may say its good to have all views, and I would agree with that, but a constant bombardment of negativity was beginning to ware me out.

I felt like I had to stay, to represent my view point in the group, and to stay connected to the community. Then I decided I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I wanted to leave, and so I left. It feels liberating to be out of the facebook group. I'll admit, there are times I wish I could see what was going on, but if I'm honest, I don't really care.

Prime Example of Why I Don't Drink

2011-06-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

I spent this last Saturday with some friends from school, and some of their friends. I was told that they would be drinking, and asked if I was ok with that. I was. I assumed that they would have a couple of drinks with our pot luck dinner and then we would go off to the parade in downtown. Well my classmates had a couple drinks, and then one left to go somewhere else. The other stayed with the group. Her friend however drank, and drank, and then drank some more. She even put some drink in a thermos and took it to the parade.

I was stuck the entire night making sure she was safe, and didn't get lost. She clung to me the whole time because she could not walk straight. She would ramble on about stories, being wildly inappropriate and loud. I was excited and relived when another classmate of mine showed up. I thought finally re-enforcement had arrived to help me deal with the drunk I was dealing with. NOPE. He was high as a kite. I cried inside.

I was then stuck with dealing with a drunk, and a pot high friend, downtown, with loud sounds, lights and crowds of families. I did not enjoy the parade as you might imagine. The crew finally decided to leave the parade early and go back to the high friends house so they could drink some more, and use a vaporizer to get high. I went only for safety. I ended up walking one of the girls to her bus stop around midnight to make sure she could make it safely, and then myself went home late on the bus.

I thought the whole time, that this was a prime example of why I don't drink, and why I want a partner who doesn't drink either. I want to have conversations with a person, not with the alcohol. I don't want to baby sit a drunk out in public. Who thinks that is fun?

I Survived a Lesbian Party

2011-06-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

Im going to try to have this make sense. I work at a retirement community. I applied for an assistant position which a friend was vacating because she was moving. I interviewed with my potential new boss, who I am friends with (since working at this place for over a year), and also the other assistant came in at the end of the interview (I am also friends with her). After the interview, I went out to a pub (I don't drink) with this friend, potential new boss, and potential other assistant for a going away party. Odd huh? Lets make this more interesting. My friend who is moving is a lesbian, my potential new boss is a lesbian, and they invited two other lesbians. So the make up of the party was four lesbians, a gay guy, 2 straight girls and a straight guy. Quite the mix eh?

I do have an admission though. Lesbians have always kind of scared me. Sorry Kiley, Sam and Elise. So this was a important step for me to spend so much time with lesbians. I did learn some interesting differences between gays and lesbians.

Lesbians really do care much more about the ooey gooey bits of relationships in the beginning. Not once did I hear, "Is she cute?" "What does she look like?" Lesbians tend to dive into a serious relationship very quickly. My boss, moved into her (now) wife's home on the second date?!

One thing in common, Lesbians do love the fruity drinks as much as gays do.

One other nice part was when my friend who is moving asked me about my love life, I am not out to the potential other assistant, I was not scared of talking about guys in front of her. The other cool part was she didn't make a big deal about it, even though she had no idea. It didn't change out relationship.

So yes, I survived a lesbian party.

Why Polygamists May Bring Me Around to Gay Marriage

2011-06-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

I have been a staunch supporter of traditional marriage of a man and a woman. That may sounds strange coming from a gay man, but its true. Over the recent past, I began to think I may reconsider my standing on that issue. Let me share with you why.

I have posted about my thoughts on gay marriage many times. From my interpreting the church's stance on gay marriage, or sharing about my class discussion where I defended my belief of what a marriage is, too an outsiders view on prop 8, another defense of prop 8 from myself and another explanation on my stance.

HBO's, Big Love.

When I finished watching Dexter on Netflix, I needed a new TV show to start. I remembered hearing about a show on HBO called Big Love, when I was on my mission in England. I saw a giant billboard for this show, and thought, "oh gosh, this isn't good." Big Love is centered around a modern day polygamist family in Utah and their coming out to the state. Well I started watching this show I instantly became hooked. From the plot to the characters to the theme, I was glued to each episode. Like all good things it came to an end, and I was thirsting for a new show.

Sister Wives on TLC, the Brown Family.

My sister had said that she was addicted to a show on TLC called Sister Wives. I figured, I liked Big Love, so this ought to be good. This show is about a real life polygamist family in Utah and them coming out to the world. Again, I'm hooked.

I started thinking last week, whats wrong with this? Whats wrong with people sharing in their love, even though it may not be in a fashion I want for myself. I then thought to myself, wait shouldn't this apply to gay marriage as well? I have always been supportive of civil unions, and granting those unions all the same legal rights a married couple has. But then I realized a distinction between gay marriage and this polygamist family. This family in Utah is not asking for the government to recognize their marriages, they are just asking that they not be thrown in jail. Gay marriage is, on the other hand, asking for a recognition from the government to legalize their union as a marriage

I still do not support gay marriage, just like I dont support a polygamist marriage to be fully recognized by the government. I do though, fully support both a gays right to have their union as I do a polygamist their right to have their union. Am I comparing the two as equal unions? No, because they are just different, but this is opening my mind to new possibilities and options. And who knows, maybe another year down the road I will support gay marriage, and maybe even polygamist marriage.

Oh Zac Efron

2011-05-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. Zac Efron is my secret lover. Ok, but seriously, have you ever listened to this songs lyrics... almost sounds like a straight boy confused about his sexuality?!

The Don Lemon Effect

2011-05-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Did you hear the news that Don Lemon, an anchor from CNN, came out in his new book? Full disclosure, I have a monster crush on Don. I never ever suspected he was gay, and I think that is why I found him so attractive. Enough gushing, back to the point...

The few days following, I had a strong desire to come out 100% on Facebook, as I mentioned in my last post. Celebrities have come out before, but seeing Don come out was different. Don does not have any stereotypical gay traits (that we can see from his TV persona). Thats why his coming out was different and why it gave me a desire to follow suit.

I'm not 100% straight acting by any means. I have some subtle OGT's (obvious gay traits), but for the most part I dont think I set gay-dars on high alert when I past someone in the hallway. The prospect that the country has a new model of a gay man to see, in Don Lemon, was exciting and something I feel is much needed. I would like to think that I am also, in my own ways, a new model of a gay.

Im a gay mormon, like many of you. I am also a hardcore conservative. If you thought being gay was a minority status and a lonely existence, try being a gay conservative. Most gay men dismiss my being conservative as being young, or naive. It is not youthful or naive to be a conservative, its just a different way of seeing the world. This explains why I am wanting to work for GOProud, because they help people like me have a voice.

If I were able to come 100% out on FB, I would give extended family, and friends a new type of gay to see and learn about. I could help them expand their vision of the world, and of gays in particular. I could show them that all gays are not the same, we are diverse too. I think that would bring a lot of good insight for them. It would make the subject of gays more approachable as well.

This is the effect Don Lemon's coming out had on me. I did not come out 100% on FB for many reasons, but I am getting closer to the day that I feel I can. That excites me. Im excited for the possibilities and discussions I will have. The minds I will open form biased views on both sides of the political spectrum.

A New Course

2011-05-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

I often find it difficult to find things to share here. This blog has always been a source to divulge my thoughts and feelings relating to the portions of my life where being gay and being Mormon intersect. I try to keep those things very separate in my life and that has always limited the experiences I have to share here. I suppose, now that I think about it, that keeping those things separate is actually a bad idea. Maybe that is why I feel like I have not made any progress in that area of my life, namely being gay and being Mormon.

A few weeks ago I almost changed my "info" section on Facebook to show that I was gay. This urging was brought on by the self outing of Don Lemon (which is a post Im currently writing). However I decided against my self outing because of family concerns and also because once you're out, theres no going back in the closet.

This time in my life is really kind of opening my mind to new paths. Not leaving the church type of paths, but new ways to be who I am. Being more open that I am a walking oxymoron, a mormon, a gay and a hardcore conservative. Talk about ultimate minorities!

Anyways, Im not sure what the purpose of this post was, but it sorta helped me sort out what has been going on in my head. So thank you me.

2011-05-18T14:39:00.001-07:00

TO BE CONTINUED...

Mission Reunion Report

2011-04-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

So I went to my mission reunion, conference weekend, here is what happened!

My First Mission Reunion

2011-03-29T19:47:00.001-07:00

Its been well over 3 years since I got back from the Mission, but this weekend will be my first reunion...

LINKS MENTIONED:

My Letter to My Mission President:

His Response:

Last Reunion (I chickened out):

Whack on the Head

2011-03-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

A had an AH HA moment yesterday!

Im Going To Conference

2011-03-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

Conference is quickly arriving, and I have a ticket for 3 sessions!

Seeking My Parents Approval

2011-03-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

I still find myself seeking my parents approval in decisions I make.

The Hands That Reached Out To Me

2011-02-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I mention in one of my last posts that the Bishop in the new area I moved to in Portland, has been calling me inviting me to church and to meet with him. You can hear the ALOG here. Well I finally decided to contact him. Here are the EDITED e-mail I sent and received.

Bishop -----,

First off let me apologize for not returning your calls. To be honest I did not know what I wanted to do in terms of calling you back. Let me explain why.

It is nothing personal, in fact that is why I am writing now. I really enjoyed my time I spent in the ------ ward when I was there a couple years ago. I thought you were an amazing bishop and I felt the love you had for all the members and myself included, even though I was there a short time.

As Im sure Bishop ------ informed you, Im going through a lot right now in my personal life, and the thing that I find the best is space for myself. When I say space, I mean the ability to go to church and participate at the level that I want and feel I can handle, instead of feeling the obligation to devot a particular amount of activity. In saying this, I should inform you that when I do go to church it is to the branch downtown, only for the reason that it is the most easily accessible without a vehicle, since I only use transit.

I had a dream last night, and in thinking about it I feel is was in some sense encouraging me to contact you, and so this is why I am emailing you now.

When I have made some decisions on what I want to do with my life, and when Im sure I have the determination to be behind that decision 100% I will follow it, but as of right now I still cannot give 100% and so I am giving what I can. I hope you can understand what I mean.

Once again Im sorry for not returning your phone call and please know it was not personal, and I appreciate you as a bishop very much.

Thank you.

P.S. Since I am in school full time and working when Im not at school, the best way to contact me is through e-mail.

His reply:

Hi Trevor,

Thank you for your email and I do understand that you are trying to sort out things in your life. I want you to know that when I last called you I was prompted by the Spirit. This was a very strong impression to contact you and I am grateful that you felt impressed to respond. I'm here to help you, not add to your challenges. When we have trials in our lives, many times it is hard to give 50% much less 100% and they become bigger than we can handle. If that is the case, I'm here to help. I don't want you to feel I'm "bugging" you, but know that I'm here when you decide what you need to do. If you want your records moved to the -------- Branch since you have been attending there, please let me know. I would be honored to work with you when you are ready, but truly want what works best for you. Remember Heavenly Father and the Lord love you deeply.

Warm wishes,

Bishop -------

I hope that you are able to feel the same love that I felt when I read his response. This Bishop truly has a grasp on Christ-like love. His response alone, makes me want to go to church more. I know he is sincere and genuine, and he comes from a good place and his intentions are pure love.

I wish everyone had a Bishop like this!

What I Need In A Man

2011-02-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I took this test on a dating website—stop laughing at me—and the results are actually spot on. From my last relationship (he is a great guy) and from what I know about myself this all sums it up pretty well. There are lengthier explanations for each category, but I will just post their "Bottom Line" sentence for each one.

I am an Interdependence person.
Bottom line: you need someone who reciprocates a strong feeling of attachment to a partner but who also respects and copes well with the fact that you benefit from a reasonable level of physical and psychological space at times.

Intimacy-

Bottom line: you need someone who will understand and accept a slow pace for emotional intimacy with you and provide frequent reassurance of their feelings and intentions as the relationship is taken to progressive levels.

Self-efficacy-

Bottom line: you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person.

Relationship readiness-

Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled.

Communication-

Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.

Conflict resolution-

Bottom line: you need someone who is calm, cool and collected and who is willing to address issues spontaneously and through intense, action-oriented debates and discussions.

Sexuality-

Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates being the center of attention in the bedroom.

Attitudes toward love-

Bottom line: you need someone who believes that the best kind of love grows out of a strong friendship.

Preferred Expressions of Affection-

Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through simple or grand acts of kindness — such as helping you out around the house, running errands for you or doing favors without being asked.

Conclusion-

Bottom line: This does not mean that you neither like nor need Verbal Communication. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just verbal expressions such as spontaneous compliments, frequent “I love you’s,” occasional notes for you to find and recognition of your achievements.

Some Plans for the Future

2011-02-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

So in from diabolical plan of David's, to a wimpy version for myself, I am targeting someone I want to work for.

AUDIO:

GOProud

AND

The diabolical genius himself

David

Early Signs I Was Gay

2011-02-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

We all had signs that we were gay when we were younger, here are a few of mine.

Disfellowshipment Anniversary

2011-02-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

The one year anniversary of my disfellowshipment is next this week, and that brings some things forward that I don't wanna deal with yet.

AUDIO:

Turn that Frown Upside Down

2011-02-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I have decided, I look much better with a smile! So I am making a conscience effort to smile more.

(Cute)

(Even cuter)

My Testimony

2011-02-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

As I was subjected to watching 6 hours of televangelism while caring for a resident at work today, I began to reflect on my own testimony.

(my own photo)

AUDIO:

Reasons I Haven't Gone To Church

2011-01-30T15:47:00.000-08:00

FYI - Writing for me is hard. I can not get the thoughts in my head to flow through my fingers and type. I find speaking much more free and true to my thoughts. So Im sorry for those who like to read blogs, but, with all due respect and love, this is for me, not for you.

Funny

2011-01-12T19:23:00.001-08:00

Speaks for itself.

2011-01-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

Part 2 - The Hardest Part Series:

The Plan of Salvation

My Quarter Life Crisis

2011-01-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

There is so much in my head that I can't put into type, so this audio is just me talking about my thoughts.

There has been something that has always bothered me. I don't know who I am.

I know who I want to be. I want to live in Washington D.C. and work as a political graphic designer. I want to have a partner and live in a condo. I want to be known, and loved, and be happy. But there is a slight problem, I don't know who I am. I suppose this is my young life identity crisis, but this has been my feeling for many years.

I should have more hobbies. I should be more happy with my life. I just feel like I am nothing, in the grand picture. I am not like the people I see on TV or the movies. I know that those lives are fake and made up, but even when I look at my friends, they seem to have those kind of lives. Why don't I feel like I am living?

Who am I?

This isn't a doctrinal question. This is a earth, reality question.

Am I alone in this feeling, and it's something I need to work on, or is this a common feeling for everyone?

This was good to watch!

The Hardest Part: Questions

2010-12-29T21:54:00.000-08:00

AUDIO:

WRIT:

Being Mormon is one thing. Automatically there are assumptions made about you, from those inside the church and even from those outside it. Being gay adds a whole new dimension of assumptions, from church members and people outside the church. Being both of those, confuses most people. I feel at this point in my life I have been able to manage the two very well.

When I was in church two Sundays ago, at my parents/home ward, I began to think what is the hardest part of being a Mormon and being gay. Thus the following series of posts will search out the answers to this question that weighed upon my mind.

What is the hardest part of being Mormon and gay?
The Questions I get asked

"So... You dating anyone?"
Friends, mission companions, and extended family seem to ask this question as if it is on a list of must know information. I use to laugh it off, and say no, but quickly offer up a girl I thought was cute. We would talk about how I should ask her out and I would agree, only to throw the idea out of my mind once the conversation ended. That was a year ago. Now when asked this question, I confidently say, "Im not dating anyone," and if I am pushed as to the reason for that, I say I'm not interested in any girls. I either leave it there and quickly move on to another topic, or if the person asking is someone close to me, I use it as a hook and bait response for the coming out.

"What calling do you have in your ward?"
My grandmother, who is not a member, seems to ask this question the most. Before I was confident in who I am, I had a calling, and actually enjoyed it. My favorite calling was Sunday School Teacher. I love each week getting in front of everyone and teaching. Not to toot my own horn, but I was good at it. Now, I say I dont have a calling. Some missionary companions asked if I go to church (I suppose a normal question to ask when one doesn't have a calling.) I say, I go most of the time, and follow it with a "Im going through some stuff right now".

"How are you doing?"
(When it is the second time being asked in a conversation)
The first time someone asks, I know what they want to know, its the surface question to do a quick check on you. The second time its asked, it means more. Its more probing (no homo). My father uses this question the most. I know he is asking how Im doing with the gospel/my testimony/acting on my gay attractions. Its the beginning of a in-depth conversation. I usually want to avoid those conversations unless I begin them. When my sister, or father, or anyone else starts that conversation, it will bring along a testimony baring-a fight the good fight-we want you to live with us in the CK (Celestial Kingdom), type of talk. I know they do it because they love me, but this type of conversation is one sided. It can only have one outcome in their mind, and that is me promising that I will keep trying my best. The conversation can never end in a statement of happiness in what Im choosing in my life.

Those are some of the questions that I find the hardest part of being Mormon and gay. What about you?

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

You Didn't Ask, But I'm Going To Tell

2010-12-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

AUDIO:

WRIT:

The repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" a DEMOCRATIC law mind you, is a step forward. For sometime I did not make a formal opinion on the matter and I was not sure how I personally felt. I knew what some republicans thought and what some democrats thought, I also knew what some friends thought but I had not made up my own mind. Now that it has been repealed, I have a few thoughts about the matter. I still reserve my right to form my formal opinion later however.

PRO-
Why would we ban someone, who wants to fight to defend out country from doing so, simply based on who they are attracted to? That makes no sense to me.

I am glad this was repealed in the proper manner, not by a single judge, and not Presidential Directive (the real name of this is hiding from me right now). It was done properly, through the legislative branch as is commissioned by the constitution.

The Pentagons review of the implementation of this was over and they saw no reason not to institute it, so McCain's lame ass excuse and declaration of "this is a sad day," is idiotic and another good reason I didnt vote for him in the Republican Primaries (even though I'd rather have him then Obama).

CON-
Really there is only one con that I can see to the repeal of DADT and that is when someone joins the army, they join to become part of a team. The army is a collection of individuals melting into one unit. Individuality should be left at the door. Much like a LDS mission, you lose yourself for two years in order to serve. The military is the same. Now its true that sexual orientation should not matter, and thankfully now, it doesn't. But because someone can not be dismissed for being gay, will that protect someone from leaving the cohesive unit to stand out as an individual?

I hope this does not happen. Someone, who is rightfully due to their sexual preference, using it as a banner to draw attention to themselves and their uniqueness is not going to help anyone. Most members of the military, gay or straight, I don't believe would do this. If someone signs up for the service it is to do one thing, serve. I don't see many wanting to draw attention to themselves and break their unit. I do worry that there will be some that do. As there is always a minority in every group, who ruin a good perception of the majority.

SIDENOTE:
As I was listening to RUSH (Yes I listen to him proudly), one of his callers said this will make the numbers volunteering to join the service go down, because gays are now allowed. This is baloney, and a stupid idea.

Also, there shall be no more hating of military recruiting programs. Berkley and all the other leftist college campuses should allow them back on their campus. It is after all the only beef the liberals had with them... right?

P.S. Anyone that uses Lady Gaga as a spokesperson, needs to fire their PR manager.

Home For The Holidays

2010-12-18T23:20:00.000-08:00

So this weekend I came home to start off the holidays. My brother got a leave from his army training and my folks picked me up on the way to get him at the airport. It has been a wonderful time thus far, but there have been a couple things that have been bothering me this past two days. Just because a few things have bothered me and I want to talk about them, doesn't mean I am not enjoying my time with my family. I just need to get these two things off my chest.

I was driving with my brother, who just got home, and he started to tell me about this girl that likes him and how he has been handling that while away in the army. He then went on to tell me about his last girlfriend and how their relationship ended. While I listened and paid attention, I couldn't help but be sad, that I cannot share with him news of my boyfriend, and whats going on in my love life. If I were to bring it up, I think he would politely say he is not interested in hearing about it. I think he would react that way because of previous conversations I have had with him about the whole gay topic. I want to share with him about my relationships just as he is sharing about his, but I can't.

The Clinton era "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy was replaced with a new law allowing gay members of the military to serve openly today. While I quietly/tentatively support this cause, I didn't dare bring it up today with my family, because of the awkwardness it would bring. The whole gay scab would have been reopened and all the blood of questions of where I am in my life and my testimony of the gospel would ensue. I did not want to have to deal with that and so I kept quiet, reading news articles and liking friends DADT comments on Facebook.

Thoughts of future Christmas' have also been swirling around in my head. When I am in a life long committed relationship, what am I gonna do. Ask my parents for permission to bring my partner to Christmas? Have to rent a hotel room because we aren't allowed to sleep in the same bed in the house? If they refuse to allow him to come for family functions (which I dont think they would banish him, but there will be rules laid out) will I have to choose between him and my family to spend the holidays with? This is all a little unfair.

I understand that I may be over reacting, and my family may not act the way I have casted them, but do I really wanna ruin the holidays by asking what I can expect from them in the future? How do I broach the subject in a delicate manner? When do I mention to them I have someone I want to bring home for the holidays—August?

I'm not going to let this ruin the holidays, but its something that I will need to address at a later time, but I really don't want too...

"I feel like a shiny new train in the train station."

2010-12-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

About the above quote... Don't ask. Just know its what I said to my boyfriend tonight! I'm weird I know.

So we had the funnest, gayest, cutest date night tonight. He brought over his Christmas gifts to my apartment and we went to buy wrapping paper and ribbon at Michaels. Then we wrapped our gifts together.

Here's how they turned out.

Mine are grey and red (WSU Cougar colors!!!). His are blue and gold.

His bows turned out much better than mine!

We are working on his excessive use of tape!

It was such a wonderful, relaxing, and fun evening!

Year: Review and Upcoming

2010-12-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

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As a new year approches I being to think of what I want to do with my life. New Years is not a time that I set resolutions for myself, at least not anymore. I use to do that old tradition, but I never kept the promises I made to myself, so what's the point. I wanted to do something that really meant something, and so I started to evaluate my life and where I was and where I wanted to go. Well, its that time of year again.

I have changed so much in this past year. I went from a scared closeted gay man (I really hate the word, man, it makes me feel old. I prefer guy). I went from someone who was a cookie cut mormon, to a truthful mormon. I began to live honestly, and truthfully to what I really believed. I did not toss the church on the way side, and instead embraced the truth that I find and see in it, and mold it with my own experiences and beliefs.

I came out to the rest of my family, most of my friends, my mission President, most companions and close friends from the mission, and I have come out to new friends I meet at school. I have made friends who are gay, and embrace spending time with them, instead of running for the umbrella of straightness. I have entered my first gay relationship, something which by the way, I thought would never happen.

I have lived on my own for over a year now, supporting myself financially, only receiving help paying for college tuition from my parents. I have maintained a steady job, that pays well, and works with my school schedule. I have been promoted and gain respect from those I work with. I began my second year in a field of study that I am truly happy with and I really do love my major.

Overall, I have had a wonderful, happy, year full of growth.

So where do I want to go?

I want to continue my growth. I want to start to make connections in DC with others in my career field. I want to get ahead financially, and be able to not worry about my bank account. I want to be more envolved in the issues that matter to me. I want to volunteer in the coming Republican presidential primary elections. I want to get involved in Log Cabin Republicans or GOProud. I want to be a effective advocate for being a gay Mormon, who isn't mad at the church.

Doing most of these things, means I need to become more open about who I really am. I need to be ok with everyone around me knowing that I am a gay mormon guy. There are some friends who don't know. The only reason they don't know is because I don't see them often enough, if at all, to have the chance to tell them. I dont want a Facebook outing, because I feel that is so in-personable.

My immediate family knows I am gay, and that has been ok. My Dad's side doesn't, and neither does my Mom's. My Dad's side is all Mormon, and I really dont see them, but every three years. I do have one cousin and her husband moving to Portland and so I look forward to spending time with them, and Im sure I will tell them. The rest of that side of the family, I am not that close to, and so coming out seems out of the ordinary. However, I sure once I tell a few it will spread. My Mom's side is not Mormon at all, and I am less close to them than my Dad's side. So I don't see a point to come out. It can find its own way to their minds.

I will have to deal with some friction from my family. The friction will come from their confusion as to why I would want to be out and about, active in issues and organizations, while still having a relationship with the church. Some won't understand, and some will.

I will most likely be ex-communicated from the church, because of the things I have done since my disfellowshipment. While I still love the church and believe it is true, I am ok with being Ex'd. In my eyes, I see it as possibly a needed distance for both of us to grow to the point that we can fit together.

Looking back at what 2010 has brought me, I am looking forward to 2011 with anticipation.

Decisions

2010-12-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

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There are those moments in life where things that change around us create a change within us. We cannot always stop the change around us, as those things are controlled by outside variables. However, the change that occurs within us are manipulable enough that we can still control the final outcome within ourselves.

The outside changes around me lately, have been triggered by myself, but also by outside factors.

Example #1 - My lease on my apartment was up (affected somewhat by me), and rent was going up $100 (outside variable).

Example #2 - I have an openly gay roommate who is not and never has been Mormon (both affect by me and out of my control).

Example #3 - I have a boyfriend (affected by me).

These three events have all happened within close proximity to each other, and have and will have a profound effect on my life.

#1- I cannot control the economy or the prices of my rent and while I picked the time I moved into that apartment a year ago, I cannot control that the lease was up a year later. However small these events may be they rolled into more decisions, namely #2. While I had a heck of a time finding a roommate, I ultimately settled on my current roommate, Alex. I could have said no, and risked having to move home for a month, and possibly lose my job, but I took a risk that will now affect my life for years to come.

Alex is a great guy, but living with someone who is openly gay will affect me, and just how it will affect me can still be up to me. First it will affect my families perception of me. Choosing to live with an open gay guy will worry them of course, and in their minds see as me giving up on the church. This however is not so. It was a string of events and a necessity to find someone to live with in a short amount of time that lead me here.

I can choose to open myself up to the world that will inevitably be opened up to me, and choose to drift further away from the gospel life I know and love. Or I can choose to stay the course that I set out for myself while opening my mind to another way of living; I suppose the phrase "in the world not of the world" would be a fit.

Now while I have mentioned the "gay" world being open to me, there are other issues that living with Alex present, and which I will not discusse and this time, just know that they are far from the life of any Mormon.

#3 - I choose to initiate a relationship, and I am choosing to nourish it. This has affected my life already in many ways. While my family is not aware of the relationship, and for a long time will not be aware of it, it no doubt will affect them and me. Time can only tell what will become of it.

All that I know, is that I have the determination and desire to continue the path I have been on for some time now. I have no desire to rebel against the things that I hold dear to me. I am not making these decisions in life to act against anyone or anything. I hope that I never act with the intent of rebelling or acting to hurt someone or something (the church). If I ever make decisions with those intents then I have stopped making rational decisions.

Tough Lessons Learned... I Hope

2010-12-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

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Why is it that we learn the most about ourselves in the hardest moments of life? Why can't they be learned when we are having fun? Sometimes I think this whole life is backwards.

Last night, I felt the most vulnerable then I have felt, well in a long time. I broke up with my boyfriend. I must be a horrible breaker-upper, cause it only lasted for twenty minuets.

Before I get into the nitty gritty, I have to say something that was absolutely funny. When I had broken up with him, I went to give him a hug, and I had left my Pandora open and this death sounding, eerie song started playing. I laughed and said "This song is quite fitting huh?"

So, I would like to share every detail that transpired that night, but I need to respect his privacy and probably my own and not share that stuff. But I did learn somethings about myself.

I am still too selfish to be in a loving relationship. I want to do what I want, when I want and I don't like having to think about someone else when I make decisions.

I have some major scheduling complex. I mentioned to my boyfriend about how stressed I get when my planning goes to pot and he was great with accommodating. I told him some examples of my serious issues. I wake up early so that I can have 10 minuets with nothing to do before I need to walk out the door, so that I can get to the bus stop with 5 minuets of nothing to do before the bus gets there. I will sacrifice sleep to keep those buffers in my schedule. I also panic if I am even running on time. I would rather arrive 20 minuets early and sit in a parking lot then show up on time. Crazy I know, but its me.

I also learned that I am not very good with letting people care about me. My boyfriend explained to me how much he cares about me, and I can't really comprehend it. I am so use to taking care of myself that I don't know how to let someone else care for me.

So after trying to break up with my boyfriend because of my own issues and some other reasons which will stay between the two of us, we are still together, and I am so lucky (even if I don't know it) to have him. I keep telling him he must be mentally delayed to even be into me.

A Welcomed Blogger

2010-12-06T23:15:00.000-08:00

Now everyone, please welcome our newest member to the Moho blogging world.

DUSHIYIU

No, thats not some foreign swear word. It means "Sweet Child".

Go, read, and welcome this brotha from another motha!

Provo Girls

2010-12-04T15:59:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged.. yadda yadda yadda...

I watched this and knew I had to share. No wonder there are so many Moho's!

Craving

2010-11-15T19:56:00.000-08:00

I got a sudden and new craving tonight. To eat lots and lots of oranges!

Is having an orange in the morning considered breakfast? How many oranges do I need to eat to get me through until lunch? Why the heck oranges?

A couple days ago I also had the sudden desire to start taking vitamins too... (am I having a mid-life crisis?)

What's next running marathons?

Wazz Up

2010-11-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, but I really have nothing to say tonight, so if you have anything better to do, close this tab on your browser.

---
GQ is a great guy. We get along so well, and are very happy together. We are going slow and communicating a lot, since this really is new for both of us, but I have to say I am super lucky.

---

Around 2 weeks ago, I got the itch to start listening to Christmas music. I am usually the one confused why people and stores start decorating before thanksgiving is even started, but this year I am one of those people. My Pandora account is full of Christmas melodies and I love it!

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I am moving in less than a month and it has been quite a hellish experience. My first roommate didn't think it was important to tell me he wasn't going to move down to Portland for about a month. Leaving me in a false assumption that we would room together. It was only after I read he got a job on his Facebook post, that he told me the job was in Washington and not Portland like he told me. FORGET HIM!

Backup roommate Konrad was next in line. Unfortunately his current roommate decided she wouldn't move like he had thought, so he was out.

I went into a tail spin trying to find a roommate, and with only one month to go. I cannot stay in my current place because they are raising the rent $100, and I just can't afford that.

My friend informed me SHE was moving up to Portland as soon as she found a roommate and an apartment. I ask if she would be cool living with a guy/me? She said she had no problem with it, but wondered what the church would say. She asked her parents and they said they totally trust me and would have no issue with it, but they also wondered if it would be an issue with the bishop. I asked my pops (who is a Stake President) and he said knowing her and myself, he would be ok with it, but that it would look suspicious and we might want to talk to the bishop of the ward we would move into.

I decided to come out to her, because that might sway her one way or the other. I mean - its not like Im gonna try to seduce her... She has boobies (yuck). She said she sees no issue living with me, but wanted to talk it over with her parents and sleep on it. Well the next morning, the potential roommate said she and her parents had prayed about it and just felt it wouldn't be right, even though they all trusted me and couldn't see an outward reason to say no. So my 3rd roommate fell through.

So my world was crashing around me. I needed to go home and sulk. I bought a box of donuts and rented a sappy chick flick and crashed for the night. I called my mommy and lamented my situation to her. I told her if I cannot find a roommate I had two options left.
1- Move home for the whole month of December and tell work its an emergency and I need to go home, and try to find a roommate before school started again in January.
2- Transfer schools to one near my parents home and move in with them.

Well through the magical powers of Facebook, I posted that I was looking for a roommate and one of my buddies said he was too. So my fingers are crossed, and he and I are in talks. There is 3 issues though, he is gay, not mormon, and smokes weed. I really am only bothered by the last one. I told him he would not be allowed to smoke in the house, and he was ok with that. So I am really hoping this all works out!

Boyfriend

2010-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

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I never though this would ever happen, and to be honest, the cliche is true, "love will find you when you're not looking for it".

I have a boyfriend. Officially as of Tuesday night. He isn't really out and so I can't share much, but since I'll probably be talking about him a lot, I will call him GQ. (He looks so dashing, and dresses like a GQ guy).

Now, I have been on dates, with guys and girls before, but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. He has before, but it was an awful experience, so he doesn't count it. So we are kind of inventing the wheel of what a relationship is as we go.

We met through a common friend. We hung with a group of people the first time meeting so we didn't really get to know one another, and neither of us was out to the other. The following night we hung out with another moho and he and I got to talking after the third person had left. Ever since then its been like we have known each other for a long time.

It just feels so natural, and good, and we are both very happy. He is LDS, and is working through how he feels about the church and being gay. He reminds me of where I was about 6 months ago. (Looking where I have come in 6 months, I'm sure he will be just fine).

So yeah, Im flippin' happy, and wanted to share the good news!

2 Parts - Dad and Fake Blogger

2010-10-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

There is two things I wanna talk about today. 1- A talk I had with my pops today. 2- Blogger-gate (possibly the first MOHO scandal?!)

1-

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I had this conversation with my pops on last week Wednesday. Today he brought me some books that arrived for school, and he took me out to lunch - just because. This time I brought up the topic of gayness to him. I rarely bring up this topic, but I wanted to talk about it today.

In readers digest form - he told me that the church needs to have an open discussion about gays in the church. Not that they need to accept marriages, but that we need to begin to have a dialogue. I told him about my post about active gay members needing to stand up. He said he agreed. It helps to personalize the topic.

He told me he thinks that God is behind the repeal of DADT, and that this and other current events are what will lead to the discussion in the church about gays and how they are treated. He mentioned that the whole NOW (women's right to reproduce movement) was shortly followed by the talks in conference from many prophets of how men need to treat women better. He said he thinks this is God's way to probably do the same for gays in the church. (Not that the church changed their stance on abortions though).

I told him how sad I was that he nor my mother asked Elder Bednar a question about their gay son. He said he had encouraged my mom to say something, but she didn't. (Though I don't know why he couldn't). I told him its sad to see parents afraid to say they have gay children because that is so taboo in the church. He said he agreed, and he would have no problem with people knowing. (I know he means well, but I really don't know how comfortable he would be with it). He said, on occasion his Bishops will try to hand off people with this issue to him to deal with, and he tells them "No you can handle it." Therefore allowing them to see its not so taboo, and not scary to talk with them. Overall I got a sense that he, as I feel, its time for this to be talked about openly in the church.

I walked away very happy with our conversation.

I have a lot more I want to say in connection with this topic, but it will have to wait.

2-

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Drama. Should I have expected less from gays? We have our first "gate" in the MOHO world. Blogger-gate and I am dubbing it. Is Gay Mormon Guy (GMG) real, or a poser? Gay Saint, and Scrum Central, Have both posed the question, is GMG real, or some straight therapist who follows church principle to a tee posing? I had another MOHO ask me my opinion a couple days ago.

While I will say I don't know, it is curious, but really, I don't care.

What would be the harm? This person would be imposing on our very real life situations and experiences, he is also being paraded around as a poser in order to convert some to their way of thinking.

A suggestion is that this person should out themselves, and if he doesn't he is a coward. I think this is silly, bordering on bullying. I blogged under a tightly secure pen name for a year. I was not ready to come out. I wanted anonymity. I suggested if GMG feels he needs a way to clear his name he could come out to a MOHO blogger he trusts and then have a witness. But really, he doesn't need to if he doesn't want to.

So his following grew by 400 follows after his stanch defense of Packer, and he was paraded around the web as a gay mormon who gets it. In all honesty his following will die off again and he will fall back to where he was before. If he doesn't and he stays a celebrity, his attention will spill over to the rest of us, and then we can show everyone there is a wide spectrum of MOHO's.

Yes I get that this is a hurtful thing for someone to pose as one of us. We have gone through our own hells to get where we are right now. GMG if you are fake, please leave quietly. If you're not, you're more than welcome to stay, under any pen name you like.

Opening the Dialogue

2010-10-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

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If you know me, you know I am a political wing nut! I love politics. I love studying, learning, following, and discussing politics. I have had the urge soooooooo much to do political posts on this blog. However, I have refrained from it because I know it will cause to much anger, and this really isn't my political blog. So I am going to create a political blog. Don't worry I'll share the link when its up.

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I had the Elders over today and they brought a ward missionary (they came cause I'm on the less active list now from the bishop). Anyways, the girl they brought with them is one of my friends sister. He is gay, and has told me a bit about her. To be discrete, lets just say that she wanted to marry a guy, even though he was gay. He broke it off. She was crushed. Blah blah blah. (Blah's because the rest of the info isn't important, not because the situation isn't serious).

We were talking about sin and repenting. It was mentioned that sometimes God gives us challenges and how they can be hard, but we can overcome them. I mentioned that not all "temptations" are meant or can be overcome, and some we just have to live with. This was an agreeable statement with all. At which point this girl shared that she has a lot of friends that "struggle with something" (code for being gay), and how she doesn't understand why they have to bear that, and how its unfair. Without her or the missionaries knowing I am gay, I agreed.

Ok now the reason I brought this up was that the more members are able to have interaction with good Mormon gays, the more the situation becomes real to them. Right now a majority of Mormons are exposed to the angry gay anti-Mormons or ex-Mormons. There is nothing there to form a strong connection with. When members realize that there are good, gay Mormons who are struggling and honestly trying to live the gospel (but struggling), then the dialogue and healing can begin.

Now members only see the ex-Mormons who picket outside the temple, who yell and shout "bigot", or "hate" in their face. What we need to really bring about a honest and productive dialogue is those gay members who are trying. Who are genuine in their love for the church, not the ex-members who want their fellow members to leave the God forsaken church. Change will not come in the church with these people.

I am not saying ex-Mormons are evil, or rude, or anything else. I'm saying members can't relate to them. I'm saying it takes a close, deep relationship to open the honest dialogue. For example, I have two friends who only know one gay Mormon, heck even one gay for that matter. That one is me. They know me, they know I love the church but they can see me struggle. My BFF has defended gays when her dad said something hateful. She told him, "One of my best friends is gay and a member, and If you knew about him, you would cry for saying that." (I am very close to her family and they would know me and who I am and what I truly stand for.) Knowing me and knowing I am gay would help them to begin to see that "we" do exist and it is a real matter. Thus opening a honest dialogue.

I am going to try to do a better job with opening the dialogue for people who know me, but don't know I'm gay. This is where it can, and should begin.

F*ck

2010-10-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

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The title kinda sums up my emotional feelings today. This morning I attended a funeral for one of my best friends, whose father past away. It was a beautiful service. I got to give him and his wife a big hug before the service. I felt... warm inside, that I was able to give a little tiny bit of my strength to him in that hug. I also gave them a hug afterwards and spoke with them. He is going to do just fine. Im proud of him.

I have never lost anyone close to me, so this situation has been very hard for me as I don't know how best to help him in this time of loss.

The service was special. All the children spoke. My eyes were moist and my mind raced with love and affection for my own family as I listened to their memories, and watched their tears, but I also witnessed and felt of their strength as they spoke. I walked away from this experience with a uplifted heart.

As my father was driving to the train station to come back home, he asked me how I was. This is a normal question he asks. However, when he asks a second time, I know what kinda of talk its going to turn into. He asked me how I was spiritually.

I answered as honestly as I could with out giving to much detail. I simply said, "Im the same as before." Which translated means "in the middle". My father said he noticed I was suffering and that my countenance was dark. I instantly became defensive.

"Why, because of my shoes?" (I wore slip on converse shoes to the funeral and the past couple of Sunday I was with them).

He said that he could tell I wasn't keeping my covenants. I asked when he could see this "darkness". He mention when I picked him and my mother up at the airport. Trying to cover myself I told him I was tired. He said, he knew, but he could tell I had not been keeping my temple covenants that weekend.

"F*ck," I thought. He was right.

We had a discussion about my issues. I told him not to worry I still feel the same about the church (that it is true).

He responded, "Yes, but that will go next."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it always does."

F*ck. He was right again. I had been asking more questions and coming up with more issues.

We talked some more, and we both thought maybe I need to talk to a councilor about the things I have questions for. He of course offered to answer them, but I told him I want to talk to someone that I don't have to carry on a normal relationship with. I hate discussing sensitive issues and being honest with my feelings about them, with someone that I then have to see in the outside world. So that nicks Bishop and family off the list.

That ride home, I text someone who I have a deep respect and friendship with. Just being able to tell him about my feelings and loneliness and emotions, already began to make me feel more comfortable. Ironically, in writing this now, I think, "see if I had a boyfriend or partner, I can have that person I care about to talk with."

So yeah I think I am going to seek out a councilor, so that I can work through my feelings. Its not to fix my feelings or change my feelings, simply to figure them out. My feelings are there are two sides telling me what to do. One side is the gospel telling me to follow it and find eternal happiness. Then the world is telling me to follow it and find fulfillment in life. Why can't I find what I want, or what God wants for me.

My Rant - A Piece of My Mind

2010-10-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

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There has been a lot going through my mind lately. A lot of personal things, ideas, endeavors, and opinions. Some of those things, I have really wanted to stand up and shout. People that are hypocrites. Ideas that are ridiculous. Statements that are laughable if they weren't hurtful. I see, hear, and read things everyday, online, on campus, on the bus, on the tv, on the radio, in the sky, in magazines, all over. Sometimes it makes my blood boil. Sometimes my heart cringes. Sometimes I tear up. Sometimes I laugh condescendingly.

I am an avid political junky, or to use a new word I learned from David, a wonk. I can identify nearly all heads of departments in the White House. I can name all political party, senate, and house leaders. I can tell you whose up in the polls in what state, and what is the latest gossip in the beltway. Im a nerd to say the least.

I use to think that the way I thought, was correct, and everyone who disagreed was mislead, or mistaken in their views. I thought, If I can just explain to them clearly enough they will understand that I am right, and all will be well. I would argue continuously to convert them to my political beliefs. I knew they were walking in political darkness.

Then I grew up. I realized that people didn't disagree with me because they were confused. People disagreed with me because they had a different end view. What they were working for was different then what I was working for.

They weren't trying to destroy America, they were trying to create a country they honestly thought was best. I disagree 100% with their view of a utopian America, but I could not change their mind to what I thought, because I had a different vision of what a good America looked like. The point of arguing was useless because there was a fundamental difference in what we were working towards. I saw A and they saw B. I saw Black and they saw White.

I stopped trying to convert their thinking. I would discuss, and share my vision and why I thought it was best, and then I would listen to their vision and why they thought it was best. We would dive into policies and what was at the root of our beliefs of those policies, but in the end we agreed to disagree.

Agreeing to disagree doesn't mean I go and hang their political bumper stickers on my car. It doesn't mean I support their way of thinking. I mean, I can live next to them, without yelling at them everyday. I don't expect them to vote how I will vote. I don't expect them to come to my political rallies with me to show support. It means we wave and talk about our life and struggles, with a genuine smile and a honest ear.

If they vote for a candidate I whole heartedly disagree with, I don't call them a bigot and delete them from my Facebook friend list. If I don't vote for the ballot measure they support and talked to me about, it doesn't mean they stand on my front lawn yelling that I am a person filled with hate, or I should just keep quiet.

There are fundamental differences in beliefs. Because I disagree with someone, doesn't mean they need to shut up, because their view is hurtful to me. Because someone disagrees with me doesn't mean they need to stay home and not vote because they are voting for something I disagree with. If everyone who disagreed with me stayed home and shut up, where would the diversity come from?

People call others bigots, and haters. Others call people stupid and close minded. Those who yell these phrases, in my mind, are the bigots, the haters, the stupids and the close minded people.

Someone who calls another person close minded is, in my view, more close minded then the person they point their finger at. The man who yells bigot across the road is more of a bigot than they who he accuses. The woman who proclaims someone is filled with hate, has hate steaming out of her own ears.

A democracy is a place where one can share their idea without being shouted down. Where a honest belief can be proclaimed without fear of being ridiculed in public or private.

I warn those who proclaim others are bigots, hateful, shameful, hypocrites, ignorate, etc., to take a close look at yourself. Take a close look at the kind of world you want to live in. You say you want your voice to be heard, while you attempt to stop the voices of others. Watch yourself. Watch your own hypocrisy. Mind your own narrow-mindedness. Remember your own life experiences have brought you to the current and future views of what you want the world and society to be. Remember at the same time that the one you are trying to silence has a different view of what they want the world and society to be.

We are different, and that is a good thing. We can live together, in a world, with vastly opposing views. With fundamental core principles, morals, values, and dreams. Stop the yelling, and stop the finger pointing. Mind you own beam, before you attempt to fix their mote. Stop telling someone their view is wrong, simply because you disagree with it. When we all stop worrying about correcting other people, we can then begin to live together and work together.

Packer's Talk

2010-10-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

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I missed the original airing of this talk so I have gone through and watched it twice since. Heres my notes.

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- To begin, I have heard angry, hateful things from those in the moho world directed at Packer, so I though, wow, I better watch this.

- I love the song the choir sings before the talk! I love a lot of choral music, and MoTab always does an awesome job.

- Procreation is a sacred gift given to us.

- If we are denied the blessing to have sex and children in this world we are promised that blessing in the world to come.

- Sex is only meant for husband and wife.

- We are free to ignore these commandments.

- Pornography is like a plague. Coming into the homes to disrupt families, usually tempting the father.

- Priesthood holds power (fathers hold this power) and can be used to repel the temptations of pornography.

- Any relationship not in accordance with these commandments is wrong.

- Some believe that these attractions were given to them at birth. God would not do that.
(This would have to be the most confusing statement. The church's official stance is that there is no stance on Nature vs. Nurture. That being said I think what Packer was saying here is God would not make us gay because he wanted us to BE gay. Like he doesn't give someone cancer to be cancerous. There are other reasons we are given the things in life we have.)

- We will not be temped above that which we are able.

- We can escape the temptation, so we can bare it.

- Voting cannot change God's laws.

- God has both physical and moral laws.

- You can stop acting on those feelings. Priesthood leaders and angels will help you.

- Repentance can wash away the addictions of pornography and past mistakes.

- Lot's wife was not turned to salt because of wickedness, it was because she looked back.

- Ignore and avoid any unclean thing (porn).

- When you become clean, don't look back.

- My prayers are with you who struggle with this plague.

------------------------------

Let me say this, those of us who are gay probably got really offended by this talk. When I listened to it the first time, having heard others complain of it, I was confused, but not angry, with his premiss. Since we are gay, and most of us are attune to sensitivity to negative things in that subject, we, as I did at first, took offense to many of the things in this talk.

Then I listened a second time, with the intent to really listen to his words, and what he was saying. I realized that only a portion in the middle was directed at gays. the rest of it was directed to those who struggle with porn. It really is the same things we have been hearing from the church for years.

The calls that this will lead people who have gay attractions in the church to suicide or anything are really puzzling. Those who ask for more love and understanding from the church and then say they want harm to come to Packer, are a little hypocritical. I understand this isn't going to make me liked in the moho world, but I have to call it how I see it.

I know some of you on a more personal level, and so I would like to ask you to share with me what was hurtful and hateful that he said, because I didn't hear it.

Pre-Conference Thoughts

2010-10-02T01:49:00.000-07:00

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Thank you to Kiley for posting some thoughts about her views on conference. I thought I would like to share my views through out my life on conference too,

Growing up Saturday sessions were always a option. However my parents offered rewards if we went. We could stay home, and complete a chore list that our parents made for us, usually raking leaves. If we went they would take us out for lunch between sessions, which was something we did not get to do often growing up. I would usually go, because I did not want to do chores, but also I thought it was a worth while way to spend a Saturday.

A few years before my mission, conference was a little more burdensome. Sundays where fine and I sometimes enjoyed them, but Saturdays seemed like a drag. There was one conference I remember in particular. We were invited to go to a friend of the family's beach house and spend conference weekend with them. We watched all sessions, and I discovered why conference was such a good thing. Watching conference made me feel good inside. It made me hopeful. It made me want to be a better person. This was my witness from the spirit that conference and hearing from Gods chosen servants was a good and worthwhile thing.

On the mission the conference was like Kiley said, It was a break from tracking. Although it was also a chance to draw strength from another source. It was a way to recharge my spirits and my energy to preach. I always looked forward to conference.

After the mission conferences have blurred together. I did get to go live after I got off the mission and that was wonderful as always. But it hasn't had the same impact on me. However, I dont think they have changed, but I have changed how I watch them. I dont dress up in church clothes and go to the church building to watch anymore. I sit at home in my PJ's and watch while I do chores, or surf the web.

I think that is one down side to the mass media we have these days. Because its so easily accesible, we say, well I'll just sit in PJ's and watch. Or Let me go make a sandwich. Its ok, if I miss something Ill read it in the Ensign (which I never do)!

I plan on watching this weekend. I hope I can pay attention again so I can feel that recharge that I so desperately want, and need.

(Sorry if I pronounced your name wrong Kiley)

Question for an Apostle

2010-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

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I had an opportunity to go home last week to get a much needed break from the ever continuing game of catchup I play at work. I called it my "detox" week. A time in which I could just relax and get in a state of mind that would help me at school.

While I was home I visited with old friends, whose communication now a days is limited to Facebook chats. Meeting with them face to face and giving them hugs was wonderful. I also got to do some odd jobs for people in my home ward, which it was nice to do manual labor and also get some cash. I got to spend quality time with my folks. We canned over 350 pears. I learned two new recipes, watched my mom and sister in a sprint triathlon, and visited the doctor and dentist (only 1 cavity after having not seen the dentist for over a year)! I got to take an old co worker to her first LDS sacrament, she is beginning to investigate and I am so excited for her! Lastly, I got to sleep in!

The week previous to Detox week, Elder Bednar came to Eugene, and visited with all the Bishoprics and Stake Presidents in the area. My father, who is stake president, was invited to go along with my mother. They had a special dinner with Elder Bednar and other stake presidents and theirs wives. As is common when a General Authority visits, they open up for questions. Elder Bednar did this in the main meeting but also in the small dinner.

My mind began to wonder, what would I ask Elder Bednar if I was in a dinner situation with him. Questions began to fill my mind:

"I want to stay a faithful member, but I want to be with someone who I can love, which is a man, how can I do this while still being a faithful member?"

"I am in the young single adult age group, but I really dislike going to YSA wards because its all about dating. Is it appropriate to go to a family ward?"

"Why would God give so much emphasis on the joys of marriage, and yet let me and others have an attraction opposite to his plan for marriage?"

My parents are aware of my being gay, and so I began to wonder if maybe they asked him a question in line of that topic. And so I asked very specifically what question my mom asked Elder Bednar.

"I couldn't think of one." She told me.

"What would you have liked to ask if you could now?" I wondered.

"Hmm, Maybe some doctrinal question." I responded with a lackluster, "Oh."

I turned to my father, and asked him the same question, and he mentioned a question having to do with the stake.

I was somewhat disappointed. You have a gay son and a gay daughter, and you couldn't think of any question to ask an Apostle of the Lord?

"How best can we help our son and daughter?"

"Our son is slowly slipping away from church attendance, he knows its true, but he struggles with questions, what advice do you offer him."

"Our son has questions we cant answer, what can we do?"

"Our daughter is dating someone, how can we show our love to her while maintaing our convictions on her choice."

Mom and Dad, you couldn't think of a single question? Im disappointed to say the least.

WARNING HOT VIDEO

2010-09-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

WARNING:

Extremely HOT video

HOT boys dancing.

Heck, I loved this so much, I knew I had to share it with you all!

What Makes a Gay?

2010-09-19T18:53:00.000-07:00

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Writ:

I had some interesting conversations with people at work this week that brought up some interesting observations.

I was in the Administrative office talking with one of the ladies who does invoices. We have gotten to know each other pretty well (in terms of work) because I have had a lot of questions since I began the new position. She was wishing me a nice vacation week I am taking before school (I am at home all this week). We then somehow got talking about her nephew who is just about to start college. She said, "He actually reminds me a lot of you."

"Oh?" I inquired.

"He is very happy all the time, very good with people, even a little flamboyant in that area." I became a little dishearten when she said that. "I'm not flamboyant in any area." I reassured myself. She went on to describe him more, which her descriptions lead me to believe he was gay.

I also went in to meet a new person who was working at the bank branch at my work, and she said I always looked so happy, and always look high on life. I was quite taken aback by this, as I never considered myself a happy person, but I was appreciative of her compliments.

Then I got to thinking, were these characteristics I had what lead some in my department at work to assume I was gay before I came out. Is my happy go lucky attitude a red flag of my sexual orientation? When we see hollywood gays, we see bitchy boys with attitudes, not cheerful pleasant people.

I have quite a knack for being sociable at work (which I wish would translate into my normal social life). I make jokes, have fun and am very laid back. I am very intuitive and a good listener. I am sensitive and eager to hear ones problems. Do those things set off peoples gay-dar at work?

Does being a sociable butterfly make a man gay? I don't think so. But is a gay man a social butterfly? More often then not yes. I don't know why, and It doesn't really matter. Just something I got to thinking about recently.

I am not going to hide these characteristics of myself, because they are who I am, and I love that I come across this way. I just found it interesting.

Planning For The Now

2010-09-12T02:09:00.000-07:00

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If there is one thing in life that I have been perfect at, it is planning. I plan like there is no tomorrow (even though it is tomorrow I'm planning for... Maybe thats not the best cliche to use in this post). I plan like my life depends on it (thats better). I would even consider planning to be a minor OCD that I have.

Examples of my planning can be shown in the following stories:
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The family was on a road trip to Seattle to visit my uncle. My grandmother was with us and I was sitting in the front seat with her. I began to ask my mom questions, "What time are we arriving?" "What are our plans when we get there?" "How long will we be doing that for?" Etc. (you get the point).

At around the 4th question my dear G-ma who I love, turned to me and said, "Why don't you just sit back and not worry about that." My mother came to my defense, "It's ok Mom, he just wants to know so he can plan."
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Elder G was in the living room reading the scriptures in the few minuets we had left in our lunch break. I needed to do some things before we could leave the flat. "Hey Elder, I'm going to go use the bathroom, then put some more supplies in my pack and then I will be ready to leave, ok?" Elder G looked at me and said, "Elder Trevor, why do you always have to tell me what you are going to do?" I looked at him wondering why he would ask such a stupid question. "So you can plan your schedule?!"

Elder G chuckled and said, "You don't need to tell me everything, I'll go when you're ready, I don't need to plan like you do."
I sat in bewilderment, "Oh, ok, well I'm just going to head up stairs to... Right, never mind."

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The next three years of classes I need to take is planned. Where I want to move after school (which is 3+ years away) is in stages of being planned. I'm even calculating costs of renting moving vehicles. My career paths are considered and mapped out.

However, tonight got me to thinking. It has been nearly 6 months since I was disfellowshipped from the church that I know to be true. Yet I have not made any progress in terms of what I want to do with my relationship with God. My current boy situation is not at all what I have ever wanted and I am quite repulsed with myself for it. I was not raised with the standards I am currently employing. I am not satisfied with the here and now.

I am coming to terms with the realization that I am so versed in planning for the future that I forget to plan for the here and now. I am not doing the things RIGHT NOW that I want to do. I need to temporarily stop worrying about the future, and focus on the current time frame.

I need, no, I want to make changes with the way I am living my life right now. I need to put right now on the path I want it to be instead of setting up the future.

Tonights Potpourri

2010-09-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

I have not written in a while. Tonight, I want to write, so I suppose that is the right time to write. However, I have such a wide range of things I wanna say, I will have to do multiple, small, themes.

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WRIT:
Gay Mormons:
When I first stumbled across the world of Moho's I was excited to find people like me. As time as gone on, I came to realize while we shared a common history, most moho's have a different present then I have. I feel like I am on the outside of the mainstream for gay mormons (who blog). In saying this I am not saying I wish I was like everyone else, because I don't. I just realize I am not like most who blog. I value diversity and learning from others points of view and experiences, sometimes it gets... lonely? (for lack of a better word). Let me put it this way, I don't find much to relate to with other mohos.
I don't have the same views on the church. I don't have the same views on the gay community. This is fine, this is even good. I don't want everyone to be homogeneous.

This is not directed at anyone in particular, and this should not be viewed as a hate post, because it is not. Infact, there are a few moho's that I feel I have formed a strong friendship to, even though we differ in views. I just get the feeling when I read others blogs, that I am in such a different, under populated, wing of the moho party.

On one hand I feel like I need to be a voice for those who tend to side with my line of thinking on the church and issues, so that "we" don't feel alone, (because that is the purpose of the moho world right?). On the other hand it makes me want to not participate, because I am a sore thumb on the issues and constantly disagreeing with what seems like everyone.

AUDIO:

WRIT:

Relationship Update:
Of course the song by Alanis Morissette - Ironic, comes to mind when I consider the last post I wrote. Just as I realize I am not ready for a relationship, not equipped for it, I have two inquires for a relationship.

Suitor #1- A friend from middle and high school. We were acquaintances in school, both sang in choir, and performed on stage together, and through a choir trip, came to find out we were both gay. When I moved to Oregon, we stayed in contact. We have maintained this communication in tact since then, but we have always lived a great distance apart. When ever we happen to be in the same area, we always get together for a quick reunion. That usually involves making out, but also catching up and just enjoying each others company.

He has always been my back up plan. I know I can always count on him to be there. He is my fail safe. I do have feelings for him, but they are not strong. He is just, there, and I know it, and appreciate it. I can see us being together, but I don't get butterflies. Its almost just a fact I know I can count on.

We have spoken about future plans together, while both realizing the current circumstances don't allow it. It is almost like we are wishful thinking, but yet we still talk of the future, which includes us being together.

Suitor #2- I met this boy 6 months ago. We met online, and chatted. We chatted a lot. We began talking on the phone, a lot. So much that I had to add him to my caller list, so I would not go over my family plan minuets. We met in person, and instantly knew there was something special. I can't describe the feeling. I just know it was good, and I have not felt it before, nor since.

The best part, is he feels the same. Well actually, there is a little history I need to include. He is he drunk dial boy. After the first month we met, he went to travel to North Carolina to help a friend who was pregnant. He was gone for over a month. The first three weeks we talked nearly every night. Then, he said he thinks we should back up and try being friends first. So we took a step back. Then we just lost touch.

I would FB message him every so often, and found out he was dating a guy. A month later he broke it off because this guy wasn't the right one for him. Our communication through this, was still slim. Until recently, we have been back in communication and he admitted his feelings for me (from the beginning) are true, and he can't explain them. I feel the same way.

We are still going to work on the basic friendship and what not, but there is something more. And this is something, as I said before, I have not felt before. It feels good, it feels safe, it feels... wonderful.

WHATS A BOY TO DO!

I'm tired of typing, so thats all for now. :)

The Dream

2010-08-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

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WRIT:

I had a rough night. I don't want to go into it, but I would like to thank Good To Be Free for being a saint and helping me land on my feet. After I finally went the way of sleep, I had a dream.

I am a big believer that dreams unleash messages of what is going on in your life that you are not always able to see yourself. I apply this belief to dreams that are fluid (very visual) or that you just can't seem to shake from your memory after you wake. I had such a dream last night.

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I was in a town square. It had a good number of people walking around, in their own little worlds. I boarded a bus from the square. However, I got off because I was missing something that I needed before I could leave. This boarding and leaving repeated several times, because I had not finished all the tasks I needed before I was ready to leave.

The final time I exited the bus, I met someone in the town square. This person was Sweetie (whose history can be read here). This was not a meeting to hang out, because someone was after us. Who ever was after us was trying to kill. Sweetie took off running, and I right behind him. We started running up a maze of stairs. We took different paths though. I could still see him, but we were not next to each other.

The person chasing us, or as I began to realize more and more, chasing me, was catching up. I could no longer out run the chaser on this maze of stairs and so I jump on the roof of the buildings. I began to jump from roof to roof.

That was when I woke up.

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Instantly when I woke up, I noticed a parallel in my current situation in life. A realization of the problems that had kept me up last night freaking out, scaring myself, and panicing. The wise counsel of Good To Be Free rung true in this dream.

The current path I am taking in my life: Trying to pursue a relationship, while trying to remain in the church is not an easy path, and it involves a lot of guilt and hardship. I need to resolve that the path I am on is right for me, instead of trying to justify my actions to fit it.

I see the bus in the dream as my life. I keep boarding this bus, to begin my life. However I keep exiting for a numerous host of reasons.

I see Sweetie as my trying to find a relationship with a man.

And being chased, with sweetie as my non-readiness to have a relationship. I see my splitting from Sweetie when being chased as the acknowledgment that I am not ready to be one with anyone. I am still a lone agent. I am still only ready to "run" alone and save myself.

I see the fear from being chased as the feeling of entering into any relationship when I am not ready. I have not resolved issues in my life that conflict with a relationship. I cannot successfully date a man, while I still have my testimony of the church. I cannot renounce the church that I know to be true to date a mn simply because I want someone to be with. The fear of being chased is simply my unread state for all of this.

Good To Be Free taught me something that I now value dearly. Its called "borrowing from the future". In a basic understanding it goes like so: We all have issues that we are presented in life. Issues that challenge us, that strip us of energy, resources, and life. We are not able to deal with the issues at our current time. And so we need to borrow from the future. We put this issue on our future shelf. We put it up there until we are stronger, clearer, and ready to deal with it. When we put this issue on the shelf, we go on to the next thing. A hobby, a school project, etc. We borrow time from our future, in order to avoid dealing with something we are not ready to deal with.

We don't put an issue on the shelf in order to forget about it, or delete it, because at some time in the future we will need to deal with it. But we borrow our time from the future to deal with it when we are stronger, and more prepared for its complex and difficult issues.

I have put relationships on my future shelf. I am not ready to deal with them right now. I am going to pursue a hobby of mine that I have ignored for over a year now. Photography. I am going to borrow time from my future to help myself grow, gain more experience, more knowledge. Then, when I am ready, I will take relationships off of my shelf, and deal with it.

To Attend or Not To Attend

2010-08-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

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Writ:

I am planning a trip down to visit my BFF in Utah. The original idea had been to go in the two weeks between work and school. (I am taking two weeks off so I can relax and get ready for school. Go home, do my dentist and doctor visits, etc.) Things just were not working for that break, so my BFF suggested I come down the weekend of General Conference. Instantly I thought that was the perfect idea. I would get to see her and her new husband, go to conference with them, and then I remember that is the weekend that the mission usually has the reunion.

I have never wanted to attend the mission reunion for two reasons. I know the one question that everyone ALWAYS asks is, "So you have a girlfriend?" It is also the place to show off the new brides. The other reason I did not want to go was because there are only a few elders who I feel like I would want to see again. One of them I will for sure see when I go down, but that is because we will make plans to see each other outside of the reunion. Its not that I dislike the others. In fact there are only a couple missionaries that I wish I never had contact with again. The thing that I hate is the awkward conversation that goes as follows:

"Hey what up elder BLANK?"

"Not much how are you doing?"

"Good, how are you? Going to school, dating any special girl?"

"Yeah I'm in school and love it, and no, no GF. What about you?"

"Yeah school too and I'm engaged!"

"Cool"

........

"Well good talking to you."

"Yeah you too."

Repeat this conversation 15 times with everyone else who can remember your name.

(I may sound bitter, but this is not my intent).

I just dislike the awkward conversations. Any time, any where, I try to avoid them.

I would however like to visit with my Mission President, and his wife. Since I came out to them, I would be interested in what the conversation would entail, and also I genuinely like the them.

So I am deciding whether or not I want to go.

Do any of you have awkward or good stories about your mission reunions?

A Break

2010-08-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

My last few posts have been quite lengthy, and comment attracting. While I am appreciative of people reading and commenting, Im tired.

So to take an easy out, I am going to try something I did a very long time ago, and open myself to questions. Large or small. Personal or general. Serious or goofy. Ask away, and I will answer!

Interesting fact, which I found out after I posted this: It was a year ago that I did this last. Maybe it has something to do with this time of year?

Here's My Interpretation of The Church's Stance

2010-08-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

AUDIO VERSION:

WRIT VERSION:

So in my previous post, where I simply described the epiphany that I had, there was once again raised the debate of what God accepts in the gay realm. So I want to share how I have interpreted the Church's stance on Gays. I may be wrong, I may be the next official church policy writer, but this is how I see it.

God loves everyone. Bad, good, young, old, gay, and straight. God is a perfect parent, and has an endless amount of love that he shares equally with all of his children.

God set out a plan for the world. Part of this plan was the use of sex. Sex was used mainly for a way to bring his own children onto this earth. He designed the way for this to happen. A man and woman would have sex, the ultimate sign of love and the vehicle that would bring God's other children to the earth. Sex is first and foremost a way to bring his children here. I don't think that can be disputed. There is other meanings for sex. Sex is a commitment of two married individuales to share their love. Sex is a sign of love, because it is the most sacred and personal aspect of ones self that can be given. When sex is used in the proper way, it is not only this ultimate sign of love, but it is also a sign to be a keeper of God's children. However the world has severely abused this purpose of sex. Now sex is a sport, and sign of love, or something to do when one is bored. So to recap, sex is a vehicle to bring God's children to earth, and a ultimate sign of giving one self to someone else.

God's purpose of sex was ment from the beginning to be between a man and woman, who have taken the steps to show there commitment, namely marriage. That was a process that God allowed as a token, or point at which sex would be allowed in his eyes.

It is no wonder why gays want to be allowed to marry. I understand their plight. They want to be able to share in the same expression others have in sharing love to their loved one. Sex is important for any couple, straight or gay, because it is the giving of one self. I understand that, and can appreciate that. However, in Gods plan sex between two men or two women was not his intended purpose.

God did not intend sex to be between two men, or two women. Let me be clear, SEX was not ment to be between two men, or two women. While I, nor the church, proclaims to believe nature vs. nurture, I cannot say God made me this way, or whether through a million different factors I grew the affection I have to men. I don't think that matters much anyways. I still hold the view that Gods intended purpose for sex, was to be between man and woman. Also that marriage was intended to be between man and woman. Hence my support for traditional marriage. (Side note: I support all the equal laws and rights given to same sex couples, for I hope to have a partner one day. But to change the intended reason for marriage is not right. I support civil unions or what ever you would like to call it, with all the same legal rights as a married couple has.)

Does God frown upon gay couples? What I can say I believe is he frowns upon is gay sexual relations. ONLY because it was not his intended purpose for his children. Do I think God hates gays. HELL NO! Will I be eternally punished for having a boy friend in this life? I don't believe so. If I have sex with a guy, will I be submitted to a form of punishment, lesser kingdom? I feel yes. Does this mean God loves me less? No.

I don't think God hates that I want to spend all my time with a man. I don't think he cares that I feel emotionally more connected to a man than a women. I do think he cares that I would use his gift of sex against what its original purpose is. Even though sex has the two main components, children and love, it would still be using it in a way God did not intend it to be used.

2nd side note: Now something that bothers me. Gay members hate to be compared to disabled people or drug addicts when being talked to by other members. HEY, I understand it bothers me too. However one thing I don't get is, how that could make someone so offended, but then they compare themselves to animals. I have heard many times, "well lots animals have gay sex!" So you would rather be an animal than a alcoholic or disabled person?! What ever floats your boat dude!

That is my understanding. I expect many comments with differing ideas and contrary comments. Thats fine. Just remember I am imperfect, and do not proclaim to be the authority on this issue. I speak from what I know. The only authority I claim is my life experiences, my personal beliefs and what I have learned so far.

The Epiphany

2010-08-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

The follow details the epiphany I had last week:

I ride the bus to work every week day. I have in the past gone through different periods of bus entertainment. iPod listening, following a tale through an audio book, or silently taking in the sights. Last week, I swung into the iPod stage again.

While riding on Tuesday, staring out the window, listening to a song of which I have forgotten now, I had a thought.

"Do I know that God is real?" - YES

"Do I know Christ is His Son?" - YES

"Do I know this (LDS) is his church?" - YES

"Do I know God choose Monson as his living prophet?" - Yes

"Then why don't I do what he says. Even if I disagree. Even if I don't like it. Why don't I do what he says?"

I then made a decision to do what the church says, because I know it is true. Namely, to live a celibate life alone. I knew this would make me terribly lonely, forever sad, but in the "eternal perspective" happy. I called my dear BFF the next day and told her of this epiphany I had had. She was excited and told me to write down how I was feeling at that moment.

Three days after this epiphany, the realization of what I had decided on that day to do hit me, and I once again gave up on the utopian idea. Do I still know the above questions to be true, YES. Do I have the desire and/or will to not pursue a relationship with another man, NO.

This is an example of what I call a spiritual high. Moments in life where I am filled with extra energy to do what I feel God wants me to do. Then I come back down to normality. Ready to follow the path that I want for myself, instead the path I believe God wants for me.

Before you comment, I know many of you will say, that God is ok with homosexual relationships and that the church is wrong, or has gone astray in this teaching. I know you believe that. I don't try to tell you you're wrong in your belief. But I believe opposite. However, I choose to go my own way and not with God on that subject, and I am ok with that.

As I went through this spiritual high, I regret telling my BFF. I regret it because I raised her hopes that I would follow the church, only to let her down again. I am grateful I did not tell my mother and father about this epiphany, because I would hurt them when one week later I retract my decision. I need to learn to wait things out before I share them. Although this is my journey, with hills and valleys alike, sometimes things need time to marinate.

That was my epiphany. Now it is simply a sign in the rearview mirror on my road of life.

The Blue Shirt

2010-07-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

Switch the tie and shirt colors and this is what I wore.

TRANSCRIPT:

So I got back tonight from Seattle and from going to the Temple with the family. I wrote in the comments on the previous post I decided on the way up talking with my sister, that there is no need to lie to my family about why I wore a blue shirt.

I think the reason that I told myself I wanted to lie to them was because I am very close with my family and I know that by wearing a colored shirt to the Temple and having them ask me why, the answer that I would give to them, would be very, not hurtful, but very sad for them. I love them very much and I didn't want to cause them that sadness on this day that is suppose to be a special day for my brother and his family.

So the reason why I wanted to lie was to save them that pain, and to make it swept under the rug, so that we could enjoy that time together instead of making this big hoohaa about the color of the shirt I was wearing.

Talking with my sister going up though I decided its really not that big of a deal. The reason why I wore a colored shirt was because I wasn't going in the Temple. Were I to go into the Temple, I would have worn a white shirt because thats what I personally feel is respectful.

But I wasn't going in, so I could wear a colored shirt, and I didn't think that was wrong.

Surprisingly, no one asked me about it. And thats probably for two reasons. One, either they figured why, and they figured, "well theres no point in bringing it up." Or two, they didn't care. I would most likely go with option number one. I think it would bother my sister and mom just because they see it as a sign of rebellion and they would get worried.

But I just wanted to let you know, thats, thats why I had concocted that lie even thought I decided later on I wasn't going to go with it.

I'm Going To The Temple

2010-07-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

Missionaries At My Door

2010-07-23T19:54:00.001-07:00

Correction - President Eyring's talk in the July Ensign.

Announcing A Pivot Point

2010-07-22T21:23:00.001-07:00

P.S. This is a photo I took on my mission.

Yup, Im in love.

2010-07-19T19:17:00.001-07:00

Wow... I can't seem to shake my deep attraction to these guys!

This video has expired :(

To Those Of The Church

2010-07-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

This is NOT directed towards any one blog, or any specific person.

Talk With My Pops and Co-Worker

2010-07-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

I really should have devoted a long post about the talk with my dad, but I think a lot of it I have already stated on my blog, so this is the most shocking part of it.

And also a bit about my coming out to my co-worker.

Have I called the Elders back yet?

Sorry about the music in the background. I will remember not to do that in the future!

"You're Gay! Give Me Fashion Advice!"

2010-07-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

EXPRESS WEBSITE

Background info on "Sweetie"

btw we are good buddies now and I am out to him

Man of My Dreams

2010-07-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

P.S. Yes I do find him attractive.

The Missionaries Are Knocking At My Door

2010-07-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

No these are not the actual missionaries who called.